Tired of not being Selfish.... kinda frustrated right now
I would like to say that I want to add frustrated, angry, and annoyed to the venting thing to this entry. (Just thought I would give you a fair warning before continuing to read on)
Ok so in case some of you may not know tomorrow my husband will sentenced anywhere from 13 to 32 years in maximum security prison. He has to do 75% of whatever sentence he is given before he can even be eligible for parole. So as you might expect I am nervous, anxious and down right scared as hell. Well right now I am having to pretend that I am ok with the fact that his cousins are hanging out with him right now. The reason why I say this is because we have known that at some point he was going to have to jail time. We aren't naive enough to have thought he wouldn't have to serve any.
My problem is that when you have had over a year to spend quality time with someone and all of a sudden you choose to cram the time you should've spent with him into the final weeks it isn't fair to me. I mean damn I have done what is expected of a wife. I have let his mom drive me crazy, I have been strong for everyone keeping the pieces together. I haven't allowed myself to break down every 5 minutes. I am trying to not let the fact that I am wanting to scream he is mine for one last night. Why do you feel like you can take this time away from me?
You can go on and act like nothing happened because you did all this time before now? Why now are you taking away the last moments I have? It isn't fair. I know life isn't fair but damn it I am the one that will left to come home to a cold bed. Without the comfort of my soulmate. With out the touch from the one person I want it from. I am the one who be left alone with my thoughts and battle everyday to make sure I don't lose this house. I am the one who will have to force a smile on my face during holidays, birthdays, weddings (I have one in August), and everyday life. I have to face the emptiness left behind.
I don't have the luxury to pretend that everything is ok when this is all finalized. They are coming to the sentencing tomorrow which is great to show support but I feel like it is a little too late. Will any of these people think of me to see how I am feeling? Maybe it really is a good thing that my parents and sister are going to be moving in here soon. Because honestly it is hitting me so hard. I am angry and I mean really angry. If I was a rrecovering alcoholic I think this would throw me over the edge. I am fighting the tears as I type this and I have to allow him to spend time with his cousins because I know that is what I am suppose to do.
Thank you all in advance for being there for me. I know that you all know what I am feeling. Thank you so much for reading this little big rant. Ok it was more than a rant this was a big big venting whining vent. I will make sure to update everyone on what happens tomorrow. All I can do now is say thank you.
Ok so in case some of you may not know tomorrow my husband will sentenced anywhere from 13 to 32 years in maximum security prison. He has to do 75% of whatever sentence he is given before he can even be eligible for parole. So as you might expect I am nervous, anxious and down right scared as hell. Well right now I am having to pretend that I am ok with the fact that his cousins are hanging out with him right now. The reason why I say this is because we have known that at some point he was going to have to jail time. We aren't naive enough to have thought he wouldn't have to serve any.
My problem is that when you have had over a year to spend quality time with someone and all of a sudden you choose to cram the time you should've spent with him into the final weeks it isn't fair to me. I mean damn I have done what is expected of a wife. I have let his mom drive me crazy, I have been strong for everyone keeping the pieces together. I haven't allowed myself to break down every 5 minutes. I am trying to not let the fact that I am wanting to scream he is mine for one last night. Why do you feel like you can take this time away from me?
You can go on and act like nothing happened because you did all this time before now? Why now are you taking away the last moments I have? It isn't fair. I know life isn't fair but damn it I am the one that will left to come home to a cold bed. Without the comfort of my soulmate. With out the touch from the one person I want it from. I am the one who be left alone with my thoughts and battle everyday to make sure I don't lose this house. I am the one who will have to force a smile on my face during holidays, birthdays, weddings (I have one in August), and everyday life. I have to face the emptiness left behind.
I don't have the luxury to pretend that everything is ok when this is all finalized. They are coming to the sentencing tomorrow which is great to show support but I feel like it is a little too late. Will any of these people think of me to see how I am feeling? Maybe it really is a good thing that my parents and sister are going to be moving in here soon. Because honestly it is hitting me so hard. I am angry and I mean really angry. If I was a rrecovering alcoholic I think this would throw me over the edge. I am fighting the tears as I type this and I have to allow him to spend time with his cousins because I know that is what I am suppose to do.
Thank you all in advance for being there for me. I know that you all know what I am feeling. Thank you so much for reading this little big rant. Ok it was more than a rant this was a big big venting whining vent. I will make sure to update everyone on what happens tomorrow. All I can do now is say thank you.
Replies
No thanks needed. No apologizing either. Hon, this is the worst time of your life, and those idiots are wrecking your last moments. I hope they leave soon. They better. I wish I were there, I would not be nice, I would say, Ok, get the hell out. But where are ya? I should of driven there today, I was so bored, restless, mad, frustrated, sad and angry too.
You have so many years to have him gone. Those boneheads should not be there. And your hubby better get smart. I would be giving them THE LOOK if you haven\'t already.
And you are right, they won\'t be there for you. They haven\'t for him until tonite. Shame on those ignorant jerks. And in a way, shame on your husband. He needs to understand YOU need him now. They had plenty of time to get together before.
I will be waiting for any time you want or need to rant. Lord knows I have sure done it.
I wish I could put my arms around you and let you cry on my shoulder.... OR sit there and let you rant. It\'s ok. You have that right.
As long as he has so long to be gone, eventually you will need to find a life, without him, without forgetting him or moving on. You will support him and love him, I can tell.
If you ever get near Wisconsin, let me know. I would love to meet you for real since we know so much about each other already.
You won\'t sleep tonite, but I hope you get through it somehow. I am sad for you!
If it was me i would be telling them where to go. You dont need this crap with wondering how long your man will be gone for.
Hugggggggsss and strangth. You can always rant to me!
I am thinking and praying for you today....I hope the people that are there now will be faithful in their support and be there for you! I have many friends and family that I am SO PISSED at right now..No letters to my husband, no support but they sure had to be there when all the excitment was going on!! Just remember we are here for you anytime...day or night..I don\'t read all of the wall posts, they always seem to take a turn and get off the subject of what we are here for, support for each other..a place to reach out..I hope you are Okay, I honestly hope you know it means alot to just have some of you to \"talk to\" and hope you feel the same.