Tired of Ignoring It All
Overall, I am glad I joined this widow/widower support group. I like to exchange ideas with people, and to compare differences in how we see things, solve problems, and in this case, grieve. I understand that people sometimes offend others without intending to and I have been guilty of that as much as the next person. Usually I find that when people appologize, recognize that there has been a communication gap, that the intent was not to hurt or offend, it all works out well and no offense is taken.
Then there are the people we are told to IGNORE. They are the ones who look as if they get some kind of pleasure out of deliberately offending or hurting others. We are told that if we ignore them, we will thwart their goal of getting us upset, and "win". Throughout my life I was personally told that I am "too sensitive" and need to "toughen up" so that I don't get hurt by these people. Tried that, but failed - discovered that being "sensitive" is who I am and I cannot change that. In the meantine I have found that the abnoxious ones do not stop if I ignore them.....instead they ramp it up, keep pounding at me until I get upset and they "win". Then they begin on another attack the next time I have to deal with them. I have a lot of experience with these people. One was my boss, one is my sibling, and over the years I found that ignoring them was hard work and took even more energy than confronting them. I found it was easier to just stand up to them in the beginning, tell them I am offended, and let them have their "victory". I will never understand why these people do what they do. I will probably always end up as the "victim" in my encounters with them. I just know that after a lifetime of trying to ignore them, I just don't have it in me to do that anymore.
I know that I'm being "oversensitive" as I write this, and I need to just put it behind me and get on with it, and I will do just that after a few tears. Today I really miss Stan, who would have understood, who would have defended me, and who would say to me "Laura, you are a lot stronger than you think". That's one of the things I hate most about being a widow - having no "cheering section" as I go through life.
Realistically these people are not going to go away, nor are they likely to stop their particular form of verbal and emotional abuse. I will avoid them when I can, step around them, and stand up to them when I need to, but I will no longer waste my energy trying to ignore them.
Then there are the people we are told to IGNORE. They are the ones who look as if they get some kind of pleasure out of deliberately offending or hurting others. We are told that if we ignore them, we will thwart their goal of getting us upset, and "win". Throughout my life I was personally told that I am "too sensitive" and need to "toughen up" so that I don't get hurt by these people. Tried that, but failed - discovered that being "sensitive" is who I am and I cannot change that. In the meantine I have found that the abnoxious ones do not stop if I ignore them.....instead they ramp it up, keep pounding at me until I get upset and they "win". Then they begin on another attack the next time I have to deal with them. I have a lot of experience with these people. One was my boss, one is my sibling, and over the years I found that ignoring them was hard work and took even more energy than confronting them. I found it was easier to just stand up to them in the beginning, tell them I am offended, and let them have their "victory". I will never understand why these people do what they do. I will probably always end up as the "victim" in my encounters with them. I just know that after a lifetime of trying to ignore them, I just don't have it in me to do that anymore.
I know that I'm being "oversensitive" as I write this, and I need to just put it behind me and get on with it, and I will do just that after a few tears. Today I really miss Stan, who would have understood, who would have defended me, and who would say to me "Laura, you are a lot stronger than you think". That's one of the things I hate most about being a widow - having no "cheering section" as I go through life.
Realistically these people are not going to go away, nor are they likely to stop their particular form of verbal and emotional abuse. I will avoid them when I can, step around them, and stand up to them when I need to, but I will no longer waste my energy trying to ignore them.
Replies
I think you are right on with this post. It can be pretty easy to be misunderstood when online. Your face and expressions can not be seen so we are totally dependent on how well we can write and express ourselves. One mistake and we can get trampled. It happened to me. I tried to fix it the best I could with the people that matter to me, which meant that I had to expose myself to the wrath of the one that is taking swipes at you. I was one of the people that decided to ignore. I am doing that by choosing not to respond to this person anymore. This is working for me but I have not been posting on the forum so if I was I would probably be getting some swipes from him too. Not to sure how my tactics would be working for me then.
To totally ignore does not always work and sometimes we need to stick up for ourselves. Once that has been done however, it may be a good thing after to ignore. By that, I mean, don\'t take anything that this type of a person says personally. They do not know you. You are a lovely lady and the type of person who gets his jollies taking swipes at grieving women is a pretty low life form in my opinion. I think that everybody is trying to protect others from getting hurt, that is where they are coming from. They see nice people having their posts mocked and stomped on. For some...ignore works. It just does not work for everybody. None of us are the same. As far as them winning? Who cares. Really? In the scheme of things it does not matter. All that matters is that you know who you are and can sleep at night. You are a sweet and caring person. I am glad to have you as a friend here on DS. Me thinks this guy is not worth one tear and if it helps you to blast him...go for it!! It is hard to be on our own and to have lost our cheering section. I totally get that. I sure miss mine too. Big Hug.
I\'m ignoring somebody here and have been for two weeks now. It\'s so much easier than in real life, because you don\'t even ever see them once you click on \"ignore\". In real life, people are in your face and you have to work at ignoring them.
As for being oversensitive - I am, too. Sometimes people think it\'s a good thing because I feel so intensely - everything, mine or not - and I think it helps a lot with my creative side. Some people disparage it, but I am the way I am and not really likely to change at this point.
Oh Laura, please don\'t cry. You are stronger than you think you are. Just look back and see how far you have come. The life we loved is not going to be the same, no matter what we do. We can only do our very best each day.
I am so pleased that you have concluded you are not going to waste your energy. We all have more important and meaningful things to do with our time. You already have a cheering section. Just read the other messages from the ladies.
I don\'t take crap and I can lay out the best of them. But that\'s the way I\'ve always been. I absolutely miss my husband too, but he would be the first one to tell someone not to mess with me. As for Jack, he is who he is. The most important action you could take, if you haven\'t already, is to report his abuse to the DS team.
I\'m sorry that I can\'t make you feel better, but I\'ve given it my best shot.
I can relate to your loss and pain for losing Stan. Think of it this way - Stan led you to this wonderful community of listeners and huggers. You don\'t have to change at all - what is wrong with being sensitive? That must have been your greatest strength Stan saw in you. You are unique and special in Stan\'s eye so the hell to what the rest think of you!
You put it so beautifully....we have lost our cheering section.
We all have the right to be the way we are....unless our actions hurt another. You have the right attitude.....ignore them but stick up for yourself. People who really care about us will try to do the right things.....just ignore the others.....they are not worth a second thought. Dianne
Laura: Stan\'s voice is still there in your mind. Listen and know that you can stand up for yourself. We are all sensitive in some way to some things. Knowing what hurts you and dealing with it is a gift. You go girl and don\'t let anyone get the better of you. Like the way you stand up and admit that you are offended. The offender has no recouse at that point. He/she may think they have won, but the game is over and you had the last word. Well done, Cindy xxoo
l think you are doing nothing wrong by standing up for yourself,even if it upsets you at the time,so long as you get your point across,then thats ok,you can,t do anymore.At this time of our lives with all the grieving and what we are all going through,l have found that we come across so many insensitive people anyway,l personally avoid them,but l have had a few say insensitive things to me,but l am right back at them,and they don,t say it again.My mother when l was a kid always said to me you are to sensitive,and l was,but l think as we get older,and especially now we are fighting our own corner,because we find ourselves alone,we have to speak out against things that we don,t agree with,so good on you ,don,t feel bad about it.
Alice
I don\'t think it\'s over-sensitive, I think it\'s compassionate. Some of us feel more than others, which is a two-edged sword. Cindy\'s right - Stan\'s voice will always be with you cheering you on. So many times when I\'ve wanted to throw in the towel I\'ve heard Cliff\'s voice in my head saying \"It\'s not like you to give up this way,\" and it helps me to keep going. Laura, you are a very special person, and you have helped me so much so many times. You are stronger and better than you probably know. Sending you Much Love and Hugs, Martha
those who hold you down just make you stronger.