Tired of Holding It In
So yesterday my stepsister posted a video of a town she/we lived in... I only for a few years... as children... And I shouldn't have... but I wrote my true feelings about our childhood... or some of them... what happened in our childhood... most of it I don't even talk about... why bother... its done... nothing will ever change it... I hated my childhood.
I'm tired, I'm sad... I'm mad... I want to quit wasting time and energy on people who simply aren't worth it... I can't say I'm forgiving... not even sure I want to... I just want to quit wasting my energy and destroying my soul... I'm not worried about forgiving them... maybe I need to get there... but frankly... I just want to forget... I wish I could...
I didn't change my mood... I'm a bit sad... but I am okay...
I'm tired, I'm sad... I'm mad... I want to quit wasting time and energy on people who simply aren't worth it... I can't say I'm forgiving... not even sure I want to... I just want to quit wasting my energy and destroying my soul... I'm not worried about forgiving them... maybe I need to get there... but frankly... I just want to forget... I wish I could...
I didn't change my mood... I'm a bit sad... but I am okay...
Replies
I am so sorry you are hurting. I had an awful childhood too and anytime I am forced to \"go back there\" I feel many unpleasant emotions. No one can hurt you in that way anymore..You are a strong, brave and competent woman.
Tight hugs and much love, Linda
Forgiveness is a hard thing. It doesn\'t mean you forget or that you are in agreement with another person who has a different opinion with you. If you can get yourself to the point where you can forgive someone though, it releases you from the chains that keep you in turmoil about a situation and that is what is helpful to you. I have heard it said that not forgiving someone is like you taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Sort of made sense to me. Just some thoughts for me to share and to let you know that I struggle with that too. Love and hugs to you...Lynn
Tight hugs Elissa.
Forgiveness is not about them..it is about you. It is all about healing your heart, soul and spirit. In no way is it permission to those who have wronged you. It it is more of a scraping off and blowing away of the binds that have tied you to them. No longer will they have an effect on your life. It is a process and I am not sorry that I endured it. I hope you are able when you are ready...love Lauri
Oh Elissa, I am so sorry you had that those photos brought back horrible events of your childhood.
I believe the other moms are right. Forgiveness is about you - but it is so very very hard. The really sad part is that they are still hurting you. Forgiveness is how you free yourself. Without it you are being hurt over and over again. Perhaps forgiveness isn\'t even the right word. I see it as acknowledgement that despicable things happened that were not your fault. I am not not being very clear.
I know I haven\'t endured the horror that you did. I have been betrayed by close family members. When I think of them the first thought I have is anger but I turn it around - I tell myself that they will hurt me no more. I will never ever forget; I will only accept that it happened. I don\'t know why they did what they did but it doesn\'t matter now. They are part of my past and will not be part of my future.
You deserve peace in your life. You are a caring person and I wish you a future filled with love and joy.
Love and tight hugs. M
p.s. Gosh I sound preachy. It is not my intent. I just care about you Elissa.
I totally understand, my friend. Painful things from our pasts still hurt today. Mostly I choose to not think about them, but when I have to I get mixed emotions. Even though they can not hurt you again the memory still hurts. I think that is why I comfort myself with food.
Just love up on BG and Richard and feel blessed that you have their love.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
It seems like the past is always lurking around - most of the time it\'s never a good thing.....I\'m sorry that you were thrown right back to a horrible time in your past - it is so painful when that happens and usually when we least expect it!
You are beyond that now - Lauri is right - forgiveness is about you and the healing of your heart (sometimes we make it so hard)... I have not known you for very long, but in that short time of seeing you here on FMO I see you as caring & thoughtful. Tight hugs to you.....Vicki
Seems like a painful childhood can creep on us when we least expect it. For the past couple years I have been going \"back there\" more than I want to. My therapist has helped me understand that when we were hurt (physically or emotionally) as children, in order to move past it we need to acknowledge it then move into healing it.
I found that hurt little girl was still inside me, wanting to heal but not knowing how. She was waiting for someone to come & save her, but since that never happened I have taken responsible to care for her myself, now that I\'m aware that I can.
Learning about our inner child can play a huge role for us as adults. Some people have a very healthy happy inner child, however some have a scared & hurt one. The good news is that we can give them what they need to move on. For me....and this may not be the same for someone else.... I find when I take care of my inner child that it has a huge effect on how I feel & relate to others.
Our inner child is not some mystic being, but is us. I kind of view it as we are a composite of child, teen & adult. We have the ability to reflect back to any time in our life & readjust how we felt & thought.
My explanation may not be easily understood, but there are many good books about the inner child. If you get a chance to read up on it, you may find something that touches you personally, that could be helpful & possibly even bring you some peace & healing.
Hugs of understanding & love....Vicki ( Jeremy & Chad\'s mom )
Yes, as Vicki says. Be kind to your inner child and help her get now, what she didn\'t get, then. I know the pain, how sharp it is. Being misunderstood, valued less, not accepted, it\'s very hard. I am so sorry that those pictures brought back painful times. Thank G-d we are adults now, and can be with whom we choose. Love, abby
My \"inner child\" is also sad, and although I try to forget about my childhood, some of it refuse to be forgotten. What helps me, is knowing that I am in a position now to give much better to my children and grandchildren, than was given to me as a child. And that makes me feel good! You are an amazing lady, because you chose not to pass on what you received as a child, but rather to give much better!!
Loving hugs to you, Elissa! xxx
I could have written this journal.... so understand my friend...... so glad we have each other to vent too... love ya!
I\'m so sorry - I have no useful insight other than the mom\'s above.To quote from \" The Help\", I just know that you is kind, you is smart, you is important. And you are worth it despite those who have hurt you and aren\'t. Take good care of you. Joanna x
(((HUGS)))
Childhood \"should be\" fun, exciting, full of adventure, and filled with love. So often it is not.
I\'m so sorry yours was far less than you, or any child, ever deserves. I\'m sorry for the pain, truly.
Forgiveness is truly a gift we give ourselves. The recipient of our forgiveness never even has to know....just our hearts have to know. Then, I believe, healing can truly begin.
I wish you peace and lots of LOVE~~
I am so sorry you have to relive these bad times in your life. The early years can hold so many emotions. Big, BIG HUGS!
What wonderful comments from our moms...so much insight and understanding. Looks like many know of terrible childhood...and know what forgiveness has done for themselves. I am sure you will follow your heart and what feels true for you. Love and gentle hugs...