Tired Of Being Sad & Alone

Well, it as definately been a long time since I have written or been on ds for that matter.My computer is always down. I really miss being on everyday and keeping in touch with all the people on here that I have concidered friends.The people I have met and talked with on here has really helped to keep me sane over the years.Whenever I was lonely and sad I would come to Ds and even when I wasnt I tried to be there for everyone else.It gave me purpose.I am still in a terrible marriage and a very lonely and stressful place in my life right now.Each day gets harder and harder and just not to wake up some morning sounds like one hell of a releif....I always feel so alone like no one in this world could possibly understand me or what I go through.My serious car accident five years ago for ever changed my life  and I havent felt like a worthy person ever since.Because of my pain ,I can no longer work and working non stop is what defined me as a person.Now I am just a lump of nothing trapped all alone in my own personal hell.I have four kids that are getting older but still depend on me for everything.An asshole husband who only cares about himself,buddies,beer and cigarettes.Because we only have disability for our income to take care of such a large family ,we keep getting farther and farther in debt....I am not sure how much more I can handle without totally looseing my mind.....I want to run away from everyone and everything......Most people pray for thier husbands to always be in thier lives ,I pray he never returns so I can start over and try to find myself if there is anything left to find....I love my kids very much and am very proud of them but feel like a failure of a person and as thier mother for keeping them in such a bad household with such an asshole for a father.There is so much more to this story but crying as I am has given me a headache and my thoughts are no longer straight.....Thanks to all who have been there for me in the past.good bye for now.