Tired

Dear Ezra,

Cole was supposed to spend the night last night.  I was really excited, I regret to admit.  I really like seeing him, but we never get to hang out for more than an hour or two at a time.  Normally, he comes over and we have sex, then we just hang out.  We have fun together, but I don't think he sees me as anything more than a friend, a friend he likes to hook up with.

Anyways, he was supposed to come over last night.  I didn't hear from him all day, which was odd for us, but I assumed he would text when he was leaving or something like that.  Then at 6 he texted that he was pretty sure he already told me but he wasn't coming back tonight.  I was really sad :((.  I was also mad, though, because of how late he told me and how he made it clear he just forgot to.  I guess it just sort of cemented in my mind how he feels about me, in comparison to how I feel about him.  We've been doing this for 7/8 months now and this is the longest fwb's I've ever had.  He's even brought up some new stuff he wants us to try in bed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he feels open enough to bring that kind of thing up, I just wish he would affirm that this means anything at all to him.

I know he's sleeping with other people, and I understand that I sound like a crazy, desperate hookup who got the wrong idea about what he wanted.  We've talked about it before, however, and the only difference right now between what we are and a relationship is that we are non-exclusive.  I think I have to end this soon, I'm already hurting just thinking about him sleeping with other people.  I know I totally digressed throughout this journal, but I don't care.  I really care about him, and, while I believe he may care about me a little, I don't think he wants or is capable of handling a relationship right now.

And that should be fine.  Right??  I just wish this weren't always the story.  Every guy I've talked to has wanted to fuck me.  I remember last year, after I went on a few dates with a guy who was good friends with my best friend, I developed a major crush on the guy.  After we gradually stopped talking, she told me "Tim wants to fuck you, he just doesn't want to date you."  That felt like the worst thing you could say to someone.  It feels like every man I meet is just thinking of the quickest possible route to getting me undressed and it makes my skin crawl.  I realize this has just been my experience, with college guys nonetheless, but I can't tell you the number of times I've been asked to be fwb's with guys in their 30s or even early 40s.  This has been happening since I was 17, and is the reason my first kiss was with a 25 year old.  I'm so tired of feeling like an object for men to play with.  I wish just ONCE a guy would care more about me than my body.