Time

It is scarce. We are learning about scarcity in economics, and from there I know that all resources are inherently scarce. It can be argued that time isn’t actually scarce, since everyone has the same amount, but I’d say it is for me, because there are too many things occupying my time. 

Every day I go to school for six and a half hours, transportation taking another half an hour or so. It leaves me completely drained, enough to come home, eat a late lunch while relaxing, and nap for two hours. I wake up around 6:30 and that is around when my parents come home, which by virtue of nap wooziness and the noise they make I’m usually too distracted to work. Dinner is around 7:00. I get started on homework at 7:30 everyday and usually have enough to keep me occupied until 11:00, then can’t sleep until 12:00. I’d say at the moment I have exactly enough time to deal with school, and that is if all I really dedicate my motivation to is school. No art. No outings. No thoughts, no life. 

Obviously, there are other things I want to do. Chiefly, I want to draw and express myself so badly. But I feel guilty if I take any time away from work. I feel as if I’m trapped. I have so many ideas that I love but can’t get started on. I’m itching. The creative block I had for a week is gone and I’m exploding. Another important thing is excercise, fitness. I have a huge newfound interest in excercise, in cardio, in yoga, in building muscles, in putting in the time to build up this body that I’ll have for the rest of my life. I don’t think that fitness could ever be a waste of time. But I don’t have that time. 

Then I have the other things I must do. College applications, chiefly, which I haven’t been able to find time for even though they’re creeping in. I have a commission that I promised months ago and haven’t even started on yet. I have an art class (acrylic painting, which I have a very hard time with. not sure how creative I can be with a medium I am unfamiliar and uncomfortable with, especially considering this is a class concerned with theory and the stereotypical paintings of fruit and landscapes). And that art class will probably be giving me 4-6 hours of homework a week.

All these things bear down on me, and I don’t want to cut into my sleep and happiness and well-being again to fulfill all these needs. I’m barely coping with what I have, my mental illness has been holding me behind. The four hours of rest upon coming home every day could be cut down, I know, and I’ve tried. I’m trying to talk to people less so I don’t get so tired, but it seems to creep up on me at the end of every school day anyway. And I don’t want to give up more of my life to all this work. Useless work. Calculus, environmental science, an english class way below my actual english level. Not completely useless, but not useful enough to warrant this much of my time and energy. 

I didn’t include weekends in my little analysis, but I’ll likely be spending a lot of that time catching up on homework and sleep and other work. It’s not even not having enough time to pursue personal interests and well-being (nutrition, fitness). It feels like I don’t even have the mental energy to do that; even when I do have free time I just want to do something that doesn’t require effort.

And all of this sounds so hypocritical to me, I’m critical of myself, “why can’t you just get to work and stop whining? Why are you lingering so much on this fatigue? Why are you listing all your problems and yet not taking the obvious steps to solve them?” 

This stupid introversion- it seems to have gotten stronger this year somehow. I really can’t believe how drained I am from something so simple. I put so much effort into school too so that is also likely a part of it. I was promised senior year would be better, but so far the workload seems about the same if not worse than last year, more homework for sure... looks like my mom will just lie and say what I need to hear to make me do things. Discouraging. 

Time management my crusty ass... At this point I feel like I’d be sacrificing my well-being to get more done than I already am. I’m exhausted. I have not been anxious lately because I quashed it down- I can’t give my time to being anxious anymore, it is literally not something I’m allowing myself to do. 

A complanative, resentful journal for sure.. I hope you can forgive me for wanting to vent my frustration, as justified or unjustified as they are.