Thursday morning
Hello Sisters of the Heart - just a note before going to work because not only are you are on my mind, but I wanted to write about something that I am learning to do and just maybe one of you have been there.
I have always been a giver. I love unconditionally, never asking questions, just loving others and giving myself to them, sometimes to a fault. This past year I find myself not being able to do that. I am able to listen, only for a few moments and then I feel myself choking, gotta get away...back into my own little world. I find that building myself up takes so much more time now and I am so aware of how I'm feeling when I am EMPTY. Losing our child, just empties every thing we have. My perspective of LIFE has changed. My sensitivity has changed. My empathy for others has changed. The way I respond has changed. I'm learning to walk away when I "can't do it" or know that my body is saying NO.....As Joanie said to me this "not giving" is humbling especially when it's not what we have done in the past. That prompted me to write this journal and just put some thoughts out there...The truth - sets us free...I am who I am now, forever changed.
It's a great thing, me changing, however be patient with me as I tell my friends because I just can't give like I would like to, sometimes. I just can't, I can't explain it, but sometimes I just sit alone BEing whatever it is I need at that moment. Yes, sisters of the heart, I'm learning on this journey of grief, thanks to all of you who are steps ahead...my feet are following your feet and I just wanted you to know, I'm Thankful for that.
I have always been a giver. I love unconditionally, never asking questions, just loving others and giving myself to them, sometimes to a fault. This past year I find myself not being able to do that. I am able to listen, only for a few moments and then I feel myself choking, gotta get away...back into my own little world. I find that building myself up takes so much more time now and I am so aware of how I'm feeling when I am EMPTY. Losing our child, just empties every thing we have. My perspective of LIFE has changed. My sensitivity has changed. My empathy for others has changed. The way I respond has changed. I'm learning to walk away when I "can't do it" or know that my body is saying NO.....As Joanie said to me this "not giving" is humbling especially when it's not what we have done in the past. That prompted me to write this journal and just put some thoughts out there...The truth - sets us free...I am who I am now, forever changed.
It's a great thing, me changing, however be patient with me as I tell my friends because I just can't give like I would like to, sometimes. I just can't, I can't explain it, but sometimes I just sit alone BEing whatever it is I need at that moment. Yes, sisters of the heart, I'm learning on this journey of grief, thanks to all of you who are steps ahead...my feet are following your feet and I just wanted you to know, I'm Thankful for that.
Replies
This time is for you dear Vicki. This is why they call it cocooning and you need to be able to walk away, be self protective and self nurturing and you cannot give what you do not have. I felt as if I was on the ground level, even deeper than that at times and had to begin building once again very, very slowly. I still do not have the energy reserves that I used to have and it\'s okay. No need for an explanation and that is simply how it is for me now.
I truly do believe that I had to learn how to receive and when I think of the joy of giving and that there has to be someone ready to receive that kind gesture I slowly have become more comfortable with now learning this valuable lesson.
Way to go in learning to listen to your body as it is a true barometer of how you are feeling and walking away does not mean not caring. It means actually that you care enough about yourself in that moment to take care of YOU.
This path has so many strange twists, turns, pauses and complete \"HALT\" times too. Everything you are describing I understand and am there with you. I think I blew some minds along the way with my, \"Let me think about that and I\'ll get back to you,\" and then after thinking about it knew it was a big, \"No.\"
This is a time to fill yourself and you are in a profession where you are giving daily and that is all that you can ask of yourself right now. Nothing more dear friend, nothing more...
Making peace with what IS becomes our path and knowing that there is nothing \"wrong\" with you. You are a mother who has been on the receiving end of the worst loss imaginable so it\'s your time now to allow others to give to you.
Feeling your heart with so much understanding,
I keep all the FMO moms and their beautiful children in my heart when I do my daily meditative walk. What comes in from time to time has been startling as to how deeply connected we all truly are.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
I look at this as a huge, gaping wound!!! If you are desperately ill, in the hospital, you cannot give anything but a whisper of a smile to your friends and family. It is not like that with this huge wound to your mind, soul, and yes even body! It takes time, lots of time. The awful thing is - people don\'t understand, unless they have been through this journey...
Walking away when you need is fine, you will get to the point that you can stay longer, listen better and participate in a way that is comfortable to you. Your journey is unpredictable and rocky, when its twists and turns you must do what is good for you. Taking care of ones self is important.
Sending tight hugs
Penny
Oh Vicki. We are forever changed. It is hard to pull back and admit that we cannot give the way we did. This grieving process is exhausting.
This journey is a learning experience, and just when we think we have it figured out, we are thrown a curve ball. Our friends and family should understand that we cannot give like we did before. I have had to tell people that I have changed (I am a slow learner because I really thought I could do it all and was humbled when I had to admit that indeed, I could not). I took a contract that would have been easy prior to Lisa\'s death. I couldn\'t concentrate and I got very frustrated. I accomplished what I set out to do, but it took me twice as long, It was sobering as I had to admit to myself that I was no longer the same person.
You have an emotionally draining job so please look after yourself.
And remember you are not along. We SOTH are here for you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Yes, I fully understand, because I am experiencing the same. I also used to be a caring and giving person, not afraid of taking up responsibilities. But now I am hurting so much, that I just cannot empathize with people around me like I used to. I feel anxious among people, and prefer to be alone, (my own little world).
I guess that we have been changed forever, and all we can do is discover who we are now and just do the best we can, one day at a time.
Gentle hugs to you, my friend. xxx
I totally understand - how can we not be changed? The importance of everything now is compared to what we have been through - for us and for others. I care and can act accordingly but inside my sympathy level for other people is pretty low these days. I think I put myself first more than I used to, now - not sure whether it\'s a good way to be but it is the way it is for me. You take care of you ~ Joanna x
I know that I am not the same person, that I used to be. However....I don\'t know who I am any more. I lost my husband 9 yrs ago and that changed me. I almost lost my mind, with the shock & grief. I was no longer the Julia that people knew. When he died, I felt that I lost my idenity.
Three years ago, the worse nightmare a mother can have, came true!! My son died. I am now just an empty shell. I think what you are experianceing is normal. Nobody understands the depth of pain we feel, except our soth. I have had to learn to cocoon myself and make no apologies for it. It is what it is !!!
((((HUGS))))....Julia