Thursday, July 14 - Games and friends

Yesterday. 

Yesterday I woke up at 8 but didn't want to get up until 9. I felt out of it and tired. Mornings are some of my worst dissociation times. But I've been trying to wake up earlier on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday so I can attend class live. I mentally made myself get up at 9 to attend the last half of class, which basically entailed getting out of bed and walking two steps to sit at my desk and turning on the computer. I've been confining my schoolwork and general computer activity (art, drawing) to the desk in my room lately instead of the one in the loft. I don't feel safe or secure there anymore. I don't think it's been great for my productivity or mental health to do everything in one room, but at least I'm aware of it. 

I attended an hour of class, where I talked a bit in class for the first time. I always see either the same person talking or nobody talking in the recordings and honestly it's so awkward that I wanted to attend just so I could fill the silence. That, plus I often have questions while watching the recordings that I can't ask without emailing the professor. His name is Mr. Nuttall. 

After class, I went downstairs and cooked myself some food. This ended up being a flop because it took so long to properly cook the cauliflower that I was waiting there for a bit and got impatient, and at the end when I was plating a spice bottle fell on one of the plates and wholly smashed it. Picture incoming. 

This sort of happened because I put that bottle weirdly in my cupboard which allowed it to slip and fall. I was so annoyed and immediately stressed out by having to clean this up and make sure my dad didn't notice that I lost my appetite and didn't end up eating much of it. Instead I had two slices of pizza and a banana and called it breakfast.

Then I spent two and a half hours finishing Monday's engineering homework, which was a big mental effort that left me feeling FRIED. I was proud of myself though, and I had seven pages of work to show for it. I texted my friend asking if she wanted to play a game today, and asked her for advice on what cheap ingredients I should buy to cook something nice. Quick bikes to the shops are a nice getaway from me and I always het something tasty out of them. This time, I bought some pie flavored ice cream and some tofu and green onions to make stir fried tofu. 

We played Stardew Valley until 5 and she had to leave. We continued befriending characters in the game, namely Shane, and getting cutscenes, and then the Luau passed as the summer of our first year slipped away. We both bought fishing rod upgrades and otherwise spent free money on seeds and (in Emily's case) decorations. Our chickens, Roscoe and Piper, are doing well. I look forward to these gaming sessions between us several times a week. But I tend to dissociate during them.

After she left at 5, I went back to listening to a recording the day's engineering lecture which I'd seen the last half of. I started getting so sleepy at 5:30 that I just took a nap, and woke up at 6:45 to my dad griping about how I hadn't closed the garage door. I ended on the note of "How can we trust her to have friends over when we go on vacation? No way!!" which honestly seemed out of nowhere and kind of unfair. I've been completey silent to him for the past couple days now and so is he to me, at least my face. It's more peaceful this way.

I ate dinner and had some mixed conversations with my mom, went upstairs and finished the lecture and my notes around 9 because I kept pausing it to go do something else. After I was done I felt that I had to work on an art trade and this feeling sapped my motivation to work on it. I'd been feeling like that all day, like I had to work on it after the schoolwork was done no matter how tired I was. So I just, didn't, and I feel good about that. Listening to my inner mental parent (and I mean that in the bad way, the parent who lectures and pushes you to do things without listening to your personal needs or wants) has been bad for me in the past. 

Instead I played Genshin Impact with my other friend for the first time in months. We farmed a domain together and got loads of trashy artifacts while talking about everything and nothing. By the time we were done it was 11, and I said on a whim that I felt like playing the next chapter of Layton Brothers Mystery Room. It's a murder mystery game that I've been playing with her and Emily. She asked Emily if she was up in our group chat and she was all hallelujah I don't have shit to do why not. So we collectively stayed up until like 1 finishing the next case. Stacy went to bed and Emily and I stayed up talking all the way until 5 in the morning. 

These late night chats have always been a staple of our friendship and I welcome them instead of seeing them as a health liability. I always find them refreshing and mentally invigorating, giving me perspective and giving both of us a chance to mentally dump which is very welcomed. I originally stayed behind with her because I felt creeped out after finishing the case and didn't want to be alone. The conversation took a philosophical turn because of me when I just started rambling about what I think about the current state of art and how it reflects society, which honestly I was surprised by the words coming out of my own mouth and the truth of them. It was late and I just didn't have the restraint I normally do, I guess. Maybe that's why I like late night conversations so much. We ended up moving from that topic to various chats about life and our individual journeys and pasts and how we frame them and what's in the future, what people are in the future namely. She said at one point that she can see me developing and it makes her happy and proud, and that she thinks I'll do well out there without my parents. I'm reminded of why I became friends with Emily in the first place. Her brutal honesty and sometimes cold nature, which has been irritating to me at times, is contrasted by brutally kind honesty and seemingly random (to me) words of kindness and encouragement. It's like she's so blunt and rude at times that you know she means it when she gives compliments and positive feedback; she doesn't hold back on either ends. We've had a lot of similar life experiences too growing up Asian American and a lot of similar core beliefs, like a belief in morality and wanting to help people. She wants to be some kind of doctor, and I want to be an architect. We're very different and yet very alike. Our friendship has benefitted the both of us greatly and is something to be cherished. 

It's regrettable how in recent months our friendship to each other was basically all I had in terms of a relationship outside of home... I've known from experience that single outlets and relationships tend to turn unhealthy and dependent. My relationship to her has been a subject of mental contention all throughout this past year, whether I felt I was coming on too strong and needed to hold back, or afraid we were drifting apart. Or trying to figure out how things were going and how balanced we are in terms of give and take. It seems I haven't grown out of that old habit. We had a time of being very close and basically talking for hours every day. I still talk to her almost every day, but this week particularly I've found myself feeling irritated at her bluntness and seeing our gaming sessions and friendship as an obligation. It's kind of a weird, natural cycle of relationships for me. I don't think it was anything she did, more the depressive mood I've been in this week. Said depressive mood set off by being cooped up at home (because of not having any work shifts this week) again with my sociopathic dad who went off on me again last week and locking myself in my room. It was good timing because the amount of homework I had this week was actually astronomical, but it's been strange for my mental health. It's a reminder of how I felt before I started leaving the house constantly to work. While work was stressful and caused me issues with time management, it was also fulfilling and gave me structure and something to do and people to talk to. Being at home every day, maybe leaving for an hour to go for a walk or go to the shops, feeling like I have nowhere to go and nothing to do outside, it's pretty bad for me. 

I intended this journal to be a chronicle of what I did yesterday because I felt myself forgetting and think a written record is a good idea, even if it was simple. This definitely didn't turn out being simple. I have a lot on my mind. It's 10 the next day now so I got a gooood 4 hours of sleep. I don't feel too bad but I may be feeling the effects of it later today. I'm not too bothered by it though. 

Speaking of games and friends, I've just generally been keeping in touch with the two girls a lot more and we have a scheduled game time during the weekend. And we randomly break off the end of the day to play games together. It's great. It's youthful spontaneity and fun that I feel that none of the three of us got to experience, at least I know for a fact that neither I nor Stacy got to because of school and oppressive parents. The kind of thing you'd normalize doing at 12 but we didn't get to until 19 because of life. It's bittersweet. It's nice.