Through the Looking Glass.
My husband...MINE. Had an affair. MY husband...not someone else's...mine...
I can honestly say that I think there's something inherently wrong with him as a person that I never saw before. People have affairs...I know this. But in most relationships there's a slight change in the person during the affair. They may seem occasionally secretive or grumpy or distant. Nothing. Who can do that? Who can continue life as normal with no changes through the announcement of a pregnancy, the birth of a son...etc. and continue the affair? I've been thinking a lot lately about who he is as a person and I can honestly say I don't know. The person I thought I knew not only would not have done this but could not have. He loved me so much he couldn't have done this to me. Let alone initiated it. But that man is dead. I'm left with this awkward stranger in his place.
I've been wondering...maybe I never really knew him? When I met my husband he was partying too much and doing cocaine, ecstasy, etc. But being me, with my childhood, my past experiences, with my easily guilt ridden mind I decided inside he was a great person. I could help him, I wanted him. I loved him. I don't know if I did but our relationship definitely changed who he was and made him a more responsible less self destructive person after multiple break ups and then me moving away in the first few months. He followed me to a new town, we moved in together, he gave up most of his vices. He didn't have to, but he did. To be with me. But now I have to wonder...he never gave up all his vices...and who was I seeing?
Is the man I thought I knew merely a reflection of my love? I feel as though maybe I saw what I wanted to see. I looked at him and saw back not only a man but a reflection of my unwavering love for that man. Shining so brightly in my face that I couldn't see him clearly. Like a glare from the sun in my eyes. I've told him since this happened that I loved with my whole heart and he should've taken into account that I can hate just as strongly...it's not true. I'm just a loving person, it's who I am...I can't change that. I couldn't hate him as strongly as I had loved him if I put my entire mind to it. But I can stop loving him. And that's enough.
I can honestly say that I think there's something inherently wrong with him as a person that I never saw before. People have affairs...I know this. But in most relationships there's a slight change in the person during the affair. They may seem occasionally secretive or grumpy or distant. Nothing. Who can do that? Who can continue life as normal with no changes through the announcement of a pregnancy, the birth of a son...etc. and continue the affair? I've been thinking a lot lately about who he is as a person and I can honestly say I don't know. The person I thought I knew not only would not have done this but could not have. He loved me so much he couldn't have done this to me. Let alone initiated it. But that man is dead. I'm left with this awkward stranger in his place.
I've been wondering...maybe I never really knew him? When I met my husband he was partying too much and doing cocaine, ecstasy, etc. But being me, with my childhood, my past experiences, with my easily guilt ridden mind I decided inside he was a great person. I could help him, I wanted him. I loved him. I don't know if I did but our relationship definitely changed who he was and made him a more responsible less self destructive person after multiple break ups and then me moving away in the first few months. He followed me to a new town, we moved in together, he gave up most of his vices. He didn't have to, but he did. To be with me. But now I have to wonder...he never gave up all his vices...and who was I seeing?
Is the man I thought I knew merely a reflection of my love? I feel as though maybe I saw what I wanted to see. I looked at him and saw back not only a man but a reflection of my unwavering love for that man. Shining so brightly in my face that I couldn't see him clearly. Like a glare from the sun in my eyes. I've told him since this happened that I loved with my whole heart and he should've taken into account that I can hate just as strongly...it's not true. I'm just a loving person, it's who I am...I can't change that. I couldn't hate him as strongly as I had loved him if I put my entire mind to it. But I can stop loving him. And that's enough.
Replies
I am feeling completely the same way. I actually married my husband because I thought he was a very religious person. I wanted to get closer to God and I thought this would be the best way. But it turns out what I knew all along was a lie. Even finding out that he was trying to meet women online the day BEFORE we married and that he continued to talk to women throughout the first few months. Then I have a nervous break down and he deleted all the websites and decided he was going to repent and become a man of God. I forgave him for this but once we were apart he fell back into his old ways. It makes you question who this person really is? I was like you before too and willing to overlook his flaws (talking to women) because I loved him so deeply and I cared for him. He even made me the promise that once we were officially married that he would stop all the nonsense and deleted all the women off his FB and delete MSN messenger. Did that happen? No... but I believed his lies and I believed he was going to change for ME because he LOVED me. I guess as the saying goes \"Love is blind.\" And I as well can hate just as strong as I love - if not more... which is why it\'s so hard right now. I give you props for being able to love him through this, because that is what I am struggling with right now.