Three cheers for me, hip hop hooray, hip hop hooray, hip hip hooray
The rage that sits inside my soul is so tight and full. Swollen with the fullness of painful emotions.
Her first fourth of July I missed, he first time rolling over, crawling, I wasn't there. Her ears pierced, her doctors appt, I wasnt offered to go. She's teething, I'm not there to console her. Halloween, thanksgiving and Xmas, and soon to be, New year's too. All the milestones of my first and only child, I've missed. How pathetic it is of me to bring my own bathroom scale and measure tape if I want to know how much she weighs and how much she is in height.
I asked a Crystal Ball today if it seen me in my sobriety hand in hand with my first and only daughter living under the same roof together soon. The Crystal Ball answered me by saying " before I can expect someone to be where I would like them to be, I need to be where I'm expected to be first"! How F'in true is that.
Breaks my heart, Breaks my F'in heart.
I have a new counselor who has been working with me better then anyone has ever. I got put with him because of my failure to meet on time with my counselor at that time. And he had free time to give. But at the two hour counseling session, I knew I didn't want to work with anyone else but him. Now he's done with his internship at the end of January. This guy with a military background is so good that people would pay to see him. And I got him for free. He's been helping me work with my coping skills. Since I've never learned how.! And it does seem to work. He's had me deal with something I was running from because of the pain that it causes me. And yes I did get overwhelmed at a certain moment, but he helped me calm down and breath. I appreciate that. I just wish he didn't have to go. Just when I found someone to help me find my balls and be a big girl, its only for a small amount of time. I've put a lot of things in a dark spot in me, away from my tears and being bothered by them. I'm suppose to be learning how to handle my frustrations and the things that scare me, all along with his help. I just hope it's not too much for me to handle and then I'll be stuck in a rut with all the things that make me cry regarding my daughter all layed out sprawled out in front of me. With the thought of "what have I done" playing over and over and over in my head. Losing all of just the little bit of control that I just learned to have. Because of the difference in me. Because of my selfishness. Because of my unwillingness to welcome my sobriety and all the new changes the comes with it inside of me. Because I was never paying attention to the lessons of handling my coping mechanisms. Instead, I strayed away from understanding the importance of them. Way to go ME. Way to go to me for being the biggest failure in all my life. And the hard part of all this is, I'm the biggest failure in all my life and to my daughter's life too. That kills me inside. It really does. It hurts me more then anything or anybody has ever hurt me in my 35 years in life on this earth. I've said this once, and a few times too. And ill say it again " I severely hate myself for what I've done. And I severely hate myself, for what I'm still doing". No one knows how much I cry in a single day. The pain is so intense to me that every time I cry, it's like , I'm crying as if it was my first time having to cry. Sad, completely and insanely utterly, sad.
To all my friends on here, I want to say thank you to you all for being just that,, my friends.! I truly do appreciate it when you all took the time to write me, or write me back or sent me a hug. I am happy to know that you guys would think about me when I honestly felt like no one was. ! A lot of you have said you didn't have friends or did but they really weren't true friends. But in do honesty, I love you all because you all are my friends. Do u guys know that children can be very mean sometimes ? Well, in elementary I would bully this one girl name Kelly. In front of her mom, on field trips. It didn't matter. I was a Bitch and starting middle school I started to realize how my actions most likely have affected her. And that was very mean and shitty of me to treat that young girl the way I did. I never seen her again but since the sixth grade I always wanted to say I'm sorry to her. Since I never did, I chose to do things different. Instead of doing nothing, I chose to retaliate on bullies. All through high school I fought bullies. If I seen bullies picking on someone who wasn't my friend, I would challenge that bully to a fight and I would make a new friend in doing so. Even if the friends that I did have would have to fight someone after school and my friend was scared too. I would tell her to not show up and I would correct this situation. I would fight for my friend. All up to now I get on these online support groups and would spend time with the ones who have had it hard in life getting pushed and shoved around . I know it's not much I can do on the internet but I would make my little friends feel better by getting mad and upset for them . Pretty much kinda still sticking up for them. I hate bullies. The reason why I bring that up is because, I know it's not much I can do over here but it's the thought of you all knowing that I value my friends. And I will always have your backs and stand if not in front of you (to fight others off and away) then, to the side of you. I will always be here next to you in your time in need. I promise. Just look for me and ill be here. I never go far.
Thank you my friends for being the way you are.
Beautiful, caring, exceptional and all around humble people of great character. Don't forget that. I'm telling you all that now incase no one has told you lately. You all are well deserved and appreciated. I promise you all are !
Her first fourth of July I missed, he first time rolling over, crawling, I wasn't there. Her ears pierced, her doctors appt, I wasnt offered to go. She's teething, I'm not there to console her. Halloween, thanksgiving and Xmas, and soon to be, New year's too. All the milestones of my first and only child, I've missed. How pathetic it is of me to bring my own bathroom scale and measure tape if I want to know how much she weighs and how much she is in height.
I asked a Crystal Ball today if it seen me in my sobriety hand in hand with my first and only daughter living under the same roof together soon. The Crystal Ball answered me by saying " before I can expect someone to be where I would like them to be, I need to be where I'm expected to be first"! How F'in true is that.
Breaks my heart, Breaks my F'in heart.
I have a new counselor who has been working with me better then anyone has ever. I got put with him because of my failure to meet on time with my counselor at that time. And he had free time to give. But at the two hour counseling session, I knew I didn't want to work with anyone else but him. Now he's done with his internship at the end of January. This guy with a military background is so good that people would pay to see him. And I got him for free. He's been helping me work with my coping skills. Since I've never learned how.! And it does seem to work. He's had me deal with something I was running from because of the pain that it causes me. And yes I did get overwhelmed at a certain moment, but he helped me calm down and breath. I appreciate that. I just wish he didn't have to go. Just when I found someone to help me find my balls and be a big girl, its only for a small amount of time. I've put a lot of things in a dark spot in me, away from my tears and being bothered by them. I'm suppose to be learning how to handle my frustrations and the things that scare me, all along with his help. I just hope it's not too much for me to handle and then I'll be stuck in a rut with all the things that make me cry regarding my daughter all layed out sprawled out in front of me. With the thought of "what have I done" playing over and over and over in my head. Losing all of just the little bit of control that I just learned to have. Because of the difference in me. Because of my selfishness. Because of my unwillingness to welcome my sobriety and all the new changes the comes with it inside of me. Because I was never paying attention to the lessons of handling my coping mechanisms. Instead, I strayed away from understanding the importance of them. Way to go ME. Way to go to me for being the biggest failure in all my life. And the hard part of all this is, I'm the biggest failure in all my life and to my daughter's life too. That kills me inside. It really does. It hurts me more then anything or anybody has ever hurt me in my 35 years in life on this earth. I've said this once, and a few times too. And ill say it again " I severely hate myself for what I've done. And I severely hate myself, for what I'm still doing". No one knows how much I cry in a single day. The pain is so intense to me that every time I cry, it's like , I'm crying as if it was my first time having to cry. Sad, completely and insanely utterly, sad.
To all my friends on here, I want to say thank you to you all for being just that,, my friends.! I truly do appreciate it when you all took the time to write me, or write me back or sent me a hug. I am happy to know that you guys would think about me when I honestly felt like no one was. ! A lot of you have said you didn't have friends or did but they really weren't true friends. But in do honesty, I love you all because you all are my friends. Do u guys know that children can be very mean sometimes ? Well, in elementary I would bully this one girl name Kelly. In front of her mom, on field trips. It didn't matter. I was a Bitch and starting middle school I started to realize how my actions most likely have affected her. And that was very mean and shitty of me to treat that young girl the way I did. I never seen her again but since the sixth grade I always wanted to say I'm sorry to her. Since I never did, I chose to do things different. Instead of doing nothing, I chose to retaliate on bullies. All through high school I fought bullies. If I seen bullies picking on someone who wasn't my friend, I would challenge that bully to a fight and I would make a new friend in doing so. Even if the friends that I did have would have to fight someone after school and my friend was scared too. I would tell her to not show up and I would correct this situation. I would fight for my friend. All up to now I get on these online support groups and would spend time with the ones who have had it hard in life getting pushed and shoved around . I know it's not much I can do on the internet but I would make my little friends feel better by getting mad and upset for them . Pretty much kinda still sticking up for them. I hate bullies. The reason why I bring that up is because, I know it's not much I can do over here but it's the thought of you all knowing that I value my friends. And I will always have your backs and stand if not in front of you (to fight others off and away) then, to the side of you. I will always be here next to you in your time in need. I promise. Just look for me and ill be here. I never go far.
Thank you my friends for being the way you are.
Beautiful, caring, exceptional and all around humble people of great character. Don't forget that. I'm telling you all that now incase no one has told you lately. You all are well deserved and appreciated. I promise you all are !
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