Thoughts on holidays...
I didn't have any big plans for the day. Met with my ex step mom with her new family at the local bowling alley for the kids to play together in the arcade. Some friends of mine in Texas had a death in the family, a great grandfather who died at the age 92. Made me think of my grandparents so after hanging out with my step mom for a bit we left and drove an hour and spend 2-3 hours at my grandparents place. Took a few pictures, one of my kids with them individually and me too. Got one of my dad with grandma out by his baby the 68 Roadrunner. Think they both really liked that. The grandparents are both in their 80's and of course have been going down hill on their health. Nice to spend some time with them, got a few pictures of them with the kids and stuff.
With it being Mother's day of course I couldn't help but think of the ExN's kids. They usually spend it with their own mother but we would do something later for me. Made me miss them a little bit. My son got me a poem they did in class (4th Grade) and my daughter (6th) just gave me a big hug and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I went for a walk before we left for the bowling alley (2-3 miles) and reminisced over the last 8 Mother's days. They were usually the same. A card, flowers and either some pajama pants or sandals. One year it was a candle. That was the extent of my presents. Even Christmas or my Birthdays were met with the same dull presents. Not saying I didn't appreciate them but it was never anything extravagant or what I would buy for myself. This last Valentines day was one of surprise where he actually bought me some jewelry that was gorgeous and I know he spent more on it than most. A very pretty cross, from a guy who's an atheist. I loved it, was shocked to get it and when I wouldn't take it off I was showing it off to everyone because I was so excited. He would get upset because I called it a cross and to him it wasn't. I also go to thinking about the time and effort I would put into his presents. One year I bought a $400 craftsman toolbox. He didn't have one. I bought him one of those inversion tables because he has a bad back and I knew he wanted one. I bought him tickets to see Tool the band one year for his Birthday (2 tickets even tho I like TOOL) just to spend time with him while he was doing something he liked. I don't absolutely love TOOL but I wanted to spend it with him. I always tried to pay attention to things he mentioned he'd like to have or wanted and would buy them. The effort I put into things were noticeable to others and his non-effort as well. I made up a Valentines day card one year. Made it of cardboard, taped together. Found a bunch of small quotes and taped it to the inside of the card. Found the story of St. Valentine and typed it up and glued it on. I also glued those candy hearts on it. Spent a lot of time on it. When I gave it to him I felt like I was stabbed. He looked it over and was like oh that's nice. And then just put it up. No real appreciation. Actually that was the way it was with all his gifts. Maybe a Thanks babe but no meaning behind the words if you know what I mean. On Valentines day weekend 2004 our house was burnt down. That card I worked on survived the fire, had smoke damage on it but he threw it out anyways. That's what my work was worth to him.
I have those days when I miss him but then again I start thinking about how he treated me. In any other way I was never his priority as he was mine. I hope that someday someone will love me and care for enough for me to feel even a percentage of what I did for him.
With it being Mother's day of course I couldn't help but think of the ExN's kids. They usually spend it with their own mother but we would do something later for me. Made me miss them a little bit. My son got me a poem they did in class (4th Grade) and my daughter (6th) just gave me a big hug and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I went for a walk before we left for the bowling alley (2-3 miles) and reminisced over the last 8 Mother's days. They were usually the same. A card, flowers and either some pajama pants or sandals. One year it was a candle. That was the extent of my presents. Even Christmas or my Birthdays were met with the same dull presents. Not saying I didn't appreciate them but it was never anything extravagant or what I would buy for myself. This last Valentines day was one of surprise where he actually bought me some jewelry that was gorgeous and I know he spent more on it than most. A very pretty cross, from a guy who's an atheist. I loved it, was shocked to get it and when I wouldn't take it off I was showing it off to everyone because I was so excited. He would get upset because I called it a cross and to him it wasn't. I also go to thinking about the time and effort I would put into his presents. One year I bought a $400 craftsman toolbox. He didn't have one. I bought him one of those inversion tables because he has a bad back and I knew he wanted one. I bought him tickets to see Tool the band one year for his Birthday (2 tickets even tho I like TOOL) just to spend time with him while he was doing something he liked. I don't absolutely love TOOL but I wanted to spend it with him. I always tried to pay attention to things he mentioned he'd like to have or wanted and would buy them. The effort I put into things were noticeable to others and his non-effort as well. I made up a Valentines day card one year. Made it of cardboard, taped together. Found a bunch of small quotes and taped it to the inside of the card. Found the story of St. Valentine and typed it up and glued it on. I also glued those candy hearts on it. Spent a lot of time on it. When I gave it to him I felt like I was stabbed. He looked it over and was like oh that's nice. And then just put it up. No real appreciation. Actually that was the way it was with all his gifts. Maybe a Thanks babe but no meaning behind the words if you know what I mean. On Valentines day weekend 2004 our house was burnt down. That card I worked on survived the fire, had smoke damage on it but he threw it out anyways. That's what my work was worth to him.
I have those days when I miss him but then again I start thinking about how he treated me. In any other way I was never his priority as he was mine. I hope that someday someone will love me and care for enough for me to feel even a percentage of what I did for him.
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