thoughts on finishing and following through
I managed to fall asleep at more like 2:30 rather than 3:30, which is good. I should have woken up a lot earlier than I did though...I think my body is just used to getting up later. I am still working on training it.
I took the right amount of meds today before heading to therapy and think my mood is better for it. I haven't made it out for a walk by myself though. I meant to, but somehow left the house before eating and so when I got back from therapy, needed to eat before hitting some exercise. And somehow, the time just got away with me. Now it's dark and cold again though it doesn't seem to be quite as cold as yesterday.
I am trying not to feel too disappointed in myself that I haven't made it out for that walk. I did make it out of the house, so that's something...right?
I realized during therapy today that the reason I don't like to plan ahead - it makes me anxious - is because once I left home at 16 my life took such a drastic turn from what I thought I'd planned for my life, I think I gave up on thinking planning makes any sense. You never know what's going to happen, so why bother? I never thought I'd get engaged, married or have kids. I am still surprised that I am engaged sometimes. We've been engaged for almost two years now. We had started to plan for our wedding when I got hit with the depression stick and we had to indefinitely postpone our plans (which sort of backs up my theory that things always go wrong for me, so why bother planning). We've thought about getting married just for us at the justice of the peace for now, but every time we get close to making a decision to do it, I can't commit. And it has nothing to do with my fiance - I love him and know he is the man I want to continue to share my life with and grow old with...
I get stuck like this in my life. I remember feeling like I've never finished anything I've started (during other depressions). Leaving home at 16 makes it hard to finish college. And the recurring bouts of depression - some undiagnosed - made it difficult to follow through and stay with jobs that I would initially do really well at. 6 years ago, I moved across the country to go back to school. I thought I finished 2 years ago, only to find out I am missing ONE class! I called the school to find out where my diploma was and found out that way. I couldn't believe it. I started working a lot and didn't have time to finish the one class. Then I got sick. So I haven't been able to finish the class, I lost my job contract and had to indefinitely postpone my wedding.
Maybe it's time to finish something. Of course, we can't have the wedding we want because of finances. I also can't finish my one class because of finances. So here I am. I need to keep focusing on getting better and hopefully I will be able to follow through with the new career I worked so hard at getting. And if I can go back to work, maybe I can finish that class and finally celebrate our vows with our friends and family.
But until them, I am a bit stuck. I have thought about getting a different type of job to tide us over, but then I feel like I haven't done everything I can to work toward my career... I don't want to give up and I'm not getting any younger. I know I'm not old but I feel old to be trying out a new career.
Something happened during therapy and started me thinking about all of this. I feel like I'm missing something: like there's a solution that I just can't see. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't find it.
We're traveling to the East coast to go to a friend's wedding next week. My therapist thinks that maybe being back in my hometown with my oldest friends will help kick me out of my depression. It is really lonely where we live. I have two friends here who I don't see very often. I am alone every day. Maybe being with my friends will remind me what a full life used to look like. I miss them. I remember my 20s feeling full, even when I struggled with depression, because I had my friends. Maybe I'm not remembering everything right...but I know I was happier when I had my friends close by.
I took the right amount of meds today before heading to therapy and think my mood is better for it. I haven't made it out for a walk by myself though. I meant to, but somehow left the house before eating and so when I got back from therapy, needed to eat before hitting some exercise. And somehow, the time just got away with me. Now it's dark and cold again though it doesn't seem to be quite as cold as yesterday.
I am trying not to feel too disappointed in myself that I haven't made it out for that walk. I did make it out of the house, so that's something...right?
I realized during therapy today that the reason I don't like to plan ahead - it makes me anxious - is because once I left home at 16 my life took such a drastic turn from what I thought I'd planned for my life, I think I gave up on thinking planning makes any sense. You never know what's going to happen, so why bother? I never thought I'd get engaged, married or have kids. I am still surprised that I am engaged sometimes. We've been engaged for almost two years now. We had started to plan for our wedding when I got hit with the depression stick and we had to indefinitely postpone our plans (which sort of backs up my theory that things always go wrong for me, so why bother planning). We've thought about getting married just for us at the justice of the peace for now, but every time we get close to making a decision to do it, I can't commit. And it has nothing to do with my fiance - I love him and know he is the man I want to continue to share my life with and grow old with...
I get stuck like this in my life. I remember feeling like I've never finished anything I've started (during other depressions). Leaving home at 16 makes it hard to finish college. And the recurring bouts of depression - some undiagnosed - made it difficult to follow through and stay with jobs that I would initially do really well at. 6 years ago, I moved across the country to go back to school. I thought I finished 2 years ago, only to find out I am missing ONE class! I called the school to find out where my diploma was and found out that way. I couldn't believe it. I started working a lot and didn't have time to finish the one class. Then I got sick. So I haven't been able to finish the class, I lost my job contract and had to indefinitely postpone my wedding.
Maybe it's time to finish something. Of course, we can't have the wedding we want because of finances. I also can't finish my one class because of finances. So here I am. I need to keep focusing on getting better and hopefully I will be able to follow through with the new career I worked so hard at getting. And if I can go back to work, maybe I can finish that class and finally celebrate our vows with our friends and family.
But until them, I am a bit stuck. I have thought about getting a different type of job to tide us over, but then I feel like I haven't done everything I can to work toward my career... I don't want to give up and I'm not getting any younger. I know I'm not old but I feel old to be trying out a new career.
Something happened during therapy and started me thinking about all of this. I feel like I'm missing something: like there's a solution that I just can't see. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't find it.
We're traveling to the East coast to go to a friend's wedding next week. My therapist thinks that maybe being back in my hometown with my oldest friends will help kick me out of my depression. It is really lonely where we live. I have two friends here who I don't see very often. I am alone every day. Maybe being with my friends will remind me what a full life used to look like. I miss them. I remember my 20s feeling full, even when I struggled with depression, because I had my friends. Maybe I'm not remembering everything right...but I know I was happier when I had my friends close by.
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