Thoughts on becoming a great grannie
Today my beautiful granddaughter and her boyfriend are about to become parents. It hurts that Lisa is not here. She would have been the most perfect grandmother. She would smother those babies with more love, and fun than anyone could imagine. Lisa loves childen.
As for me, I wonder why I am here and she isn't. Always the same old question; why not me rather than her? Could I have done anything to make the outcome different. Of course in my sensible mind, I know. Lisa was her own person. Many years ago I asked her if there was anything I could have done to make life better for her. She said "No, I needed to make my own mistakes". But, I still wonder.
So how am I feeling? My granddaughter is to be induced some time today. She is carrying twin girls. Firstly, I am wondering how I got to be 71 years old. Where did the time go? How did Cevyn become 20 in such a short time? It seems like yesterday that I was in the labour room with Lisa waiting her arrival. It seems like yesterday that I got a glimpse of her as they quickly wheeled her to the NICU as her lungs were not quit developed. As she grew, would sit on the floor with her playing with Polly Pocket and Barbies. It seems like yesterday that we followed the sound of a kitten and brought it home. That cat turned out to be somewhat evil but as a kitten, Angel was very cute and lovable. It seems like yesterday that Lisa and Cevyn were standing upstairs watching us as we went through security at the airport. Of course I cried every time as I left them to go back home.
It seems like my life has been saying good bye. And it will be happening again when we have to go home.
So we wait anxiously. Cevyn and Brendan have decided to do the labour and delivery with the doctor, nurses and themselves. Rather than have a ton of family coming and going. I respect them for setting boundaries (even though I can't be there). I can't wait to meet those two newbies to this world.
It is a new generation. I want to hang around for a long time to see them grow. I will keep you posted!
Lisa: I know you are with Cevyn and Brendan. I just wish sooooo much that I could see the look on your face when you meet your granddaughters. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
Such a beautiful and reflective heart is what I feel as I read your journal. I just awakened and truly, it was one of the first things on my heart that today was the day for your family. :) Oh, I know that Lisa is over the moon with this and she should BE here to hug, hold and love those babies. I know that she will always be so very present in their lives as she is in yours, yet I do know too that it's not the same as we miss their physical presence beyond words.
My thoughts and prayers are with each of YOU and how I wish I could sit, wait with you and squeeze the stuffing right out of you dearest great grannie! :)
With you, caring and knowing that there will be huge exhales when you welcome these two earth side and each will have their own little personality that is just theirs. I'll bet one or both might really have traits from your Lisa. It's amazing how the gene pool can BE.
YOU take care, Marlene, and feel your sisters of the heart standing beside you.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart and SO very excited!!!!!
XXOO
Lots of celebration of life, living, survival -- all amazing. There is great joy in living to celebrate the memories of those we have loved. Life is good. :-)
Oh Marlene, I have tears in my eyes because I hear your heart so wanting Lisa to be here to meet her grandbabies.....My heart is with yours today - not knowing exactly how you are feeling but can stand with you missing your daughter on such a momentous day!
Prayers are with Cevyn and those two little lives.....I know as you see them and hug Cevyn that Lisa is right in the middle giving you strength.
I hear you, where does time go? If only I knew then what I know now, I would have cherished those moments more....I sure cherish those moments/memories now....SIGH
Today, such a special day and I can't wait to hear and see those babies.....sending much love & hugs. Vicki
Marlene, so many emotions are swirling through your mind. I understand completely. When Eddie's first grandchild was born I felt happy, sad, bewildered. How did I get to live this long and Eddie only got 37 years? Why I am here experiencing this joy when he is not? Sigh...I have no answers. I feel like us SOTH'S lives are so filled now with the bittersweet. Tight hugs and blessings to Cevyn's and Brendan's babies. Congratulations to all of you! Love and congratulations to dearest Lisa too! ♡ Linda
Marlene, I am crying as I read your journal this morning. I could relate to so much of your journal. How did I get to be 70 and my Jeff taken at 34. Trying to be here for his girls and it should have been Jeff by their side and not their step dad. I begged go and let Jeff stay.
I know Lisa is watching and right by their side. Sending love and big hugs to you and Cevyn and Brendan....Nell
Marlene, thinking of you all today and sending love. Kathy
Oh Marlene, I just love you so much!!!
I am just home so I am catching up. I know you will make a wonderful great grand ma...
Give those girls a kiss from me when you get your hands on them
Hugs Penny