Thoughts of him...
So since learning of the passing of my grandma, one of the first things that really struck me was how I was with him for all his grandparents deaths. They all passed within a 3 year period (all 4) and how I was really THERE for him. Support, love, caring and even tho I was living in Oklahoma for the last one he didn't have to ask I came ASAP to be there for him. He wasn't directly involved in any of the legalities, he was the paul bearer for every single one of them tho. His grandma was the last one to go and I remember him getting tons of calls, she was really loved by many. After a call he got he turned around and said everyone is wishing their condolences but what he really needed was money. How is that for showing emotion. He couldn't show sincere emotion if his life depended on it.
But back to me I think it really irritates me that I was there for him when he needed me and knowing that he will never be there for me. I deserve someone who will give me the same respect and love I put out if not more. Even if he hears that my grandma passed away I know he won't think of me enough to send a card or contact me in any way to pay his respect. How sad is that after being with someone for 9 years and known for 15 years not to give some sort of recognition? I know if (heaven forbid) something happened to someone in his family I would send a card and express my condolences. Nothing more. There's no point in trying to start something back with someone so cold. Just annoying and irritating me as of late the comparative differences in some people.
I've been wondering if I suffer from depression. My mom got me started on some St. Johns Wart, suppose to help my mood and memory. But I've always felt a little off. Not as bouncy as others. Or emotional in some ways if that makes sense. Like this deal with my grandma. I cried off and on for the first day and I am sure I will cry as the days get closer to the funeral and as I'm dealing with things but I guess I am more of an introvert type of person in regards to dealing with in more internally than externally. Sometimes it's a good thing but it often makes me wonder about taking other meds to make me feel "normal." I've asked a few people on DS about how their depression feels and how it affects their lives. Trying to find comparative similarities. I know no two are going to be the same and maybe I should go to a doctor to see but I don't have insurance. Not that I'm thinking horrible things just wish I felt better in general.
But back to me I think it really irritates me that I was there for him when he needed me and knowing that he will never be there for me. I deserve someone who will give me the same respect and love I put out if not more. Even if he hears that my grandma passed away I know he won't think of me enough to send a card or contact me in any way to pay his respect. How sad is that after being with someone for 9 years and known for 15 years not to give some sort of recognition? I know if (heaven forbid) something happened to someone in his family I would send a card and express my condolences. Nothing more. There's no point in trying to start something back with someone so cold. Just annoying and irritating me as of late the comparative differences in some people.
I've been wondering if I suffer from depression. My mom got me started on some St. Johns Wart, suppose to help my mood and memory. But I've always felt a little off. Not as bouncy as others. Or emotional in some ways if that makes sense. Like this deal with my grandma. I cried off and on for the first day and I am sure I will cry as the days get closer to the funeral and as I'm dealing with things but I guess I am more of an introvert type of person in regards to dealing with in more internally than externally. Sometimes it's a good thing but it often makes me wonder about taking other meds to make me feel "normal." I've asked a few people on DS about how their depression feels and how it affects their lives. Trying to find comparative similarities. I know no two are going to be the same and maybe I should go to a doctor to see but I don't have insurance. Not that I'm thinking horrible things just wish I felt better in general.
Replies
You know, you have just been through the wringer, you are just out of an abusive relationship, and your grandmother died. I mean....aren\'t you entitled,even supposed to be a little depressed? My advice is...honor that you are sad, honor the emotions you feel. You earned them. You will feel better, as you get farther from the ex, and from the shock of losing your grandmother. You have to grieve. It\'s one of those things that the only way to the other side is go through it.
That being said, if the sadness hangs on and on, and the other emotions associated with ending the relationship, by all means, seek help. But I would give it some time, and let yourself grieve and feel. The ability to do that is what sets us apart from our abusers.
And I know what you mean about being there for him, and him not being there for you. I can\'t imagine that my abuser would be there for me ever like that..and we were together almost 40 years. There was a time that might have bothered me, now...I am just glad that I don\'t have to deal with his ego needing to be the center of attention at a time when I have nothing to give him.
Big hugs, Anglvette. Hope you feel better...
I second everything HM said. Funny ... my mother passed away about 6 months after I split with my ex. He did offer his condolences, and asked if there was anything he could do. But by then, I already knew that I couldn\'t rely on him for anything and that anything he DID do for me came at far too high a price. So I thanked him, but told him the time for that was past, that I wanted and expected nothing from him. I honestly would have preferred he\'d said nothing, since it would have reflected his true supportiveness and emotional connection.
Sorry for all that you are going through. And yes, you may be a little depressed, but I really can\'t say more than HM said about that, she said it so well.
Oh Anglvette, I feel so sad for you. I absolutely agree with everything Hockeymom said. She was spot on. . . and keep up the journaling and monitor your progress. You\'ll be able to tell if you\'re feeling better after you\'ve given yourself some time.
This said, personally and from what I know of you, you seem to be an extraordinarily strong woman who marches forth, if you know what I mean. You don\'t seem like the type to enjoy a wallow in the mire. So perhaps instead of questioning whether or not you should be more outwardly emotional, consider celebrating your inner strength. And while you grieve, know that inner strength is something you-know-who could never take from you.
He\'s a putz. I\'m glad he won\'t be inserting himself in this moment in your life. It would only serve to make him feel better about himself anyway. :P is how I feel about him. And :D is how I feel about you.
I do agree with you Hockeymom. I really do feel it just, takes time to sink in. Doesn\'t help when I have those times when I over analyze crap in regards to an ExN who was a douchebag by all accounts. Thank you for those words.
Livndadrem- Yes HM does give great advice. Guess I\'m just having a low time at the moment which yes is expected. Wish it was all back to back but I wouldn\'t be given more than I can handle and I will push thru this and become stronger.
TheLittleEngine--Thank you for your kind words. I try to do the faking til you make it. Tough exterior and know better but I still have those moments when I really just sink to the lows and wallow in it. Yes he is a putz :)
Thanks again!! :)
Sometimes a long cry and/or good wallow is what our person needs. Take care of your person, take care of your soul, love all over yourself. Now\'s the time.
I\'ve dealt with depression my entire life, but then again, I was emotionally abused my entire life....so why wouldn\'t I be depressed?? Anyway, I agree with HM as well....give it some time, but if it lingers too long or seems to get worse (aside from the obvious grief at losing your grandma)....then I would say, get help.
For now though..........take care of you. Cry when you feel like it. Talk about it if you want, as often as you want, and generally, allow yourself to just feel whatever you feel. Screw anyone who says you should feel otherwise or do something different. You are grieving and it SUCKS! It\'s going to suck for a little while. THEN it will get better.
I think the most annoying thing people said to me when I was grieving a loss was.......It will get better in time. All I kept thinking was....\"So f***ing what??? It hurts RIGHT NOW!! Who cares what its going to feel like \'in time\'??? I care what it feels like right now!!\" I think after the 10th or 12th time someone made that remark to me, I actually did say that thought out loud. So, when I learn that a friend is grieving, I don\'t say that. I just agree with the fact that it hurts like hell and it really sucks.
I wish it didn\'t!! But it does!! Big Hugs!!!!!
Jillie--I can\'t say I\'ve dealt with depression all my life. Definitely the last 10 years or so with dealings with the ExN I can see it. Times when I was so emotionally upset that I couldn\'t express it. Although those were the enlightening years because that\'s when it became apparent that he was most likely the cause of the stress and anxiety I had. I had that saying \"It will get better in time\' but they can\'t tell me when that time is going to be so how can you offer that as condolences, lol. Doesn\'t make sense to me.
Thanks again everyone. I feel better today. Took a nice long shower when I woke up and decided it\'s going to be a better day today. :)
Glad to hear you are feeling better!!! YAY!