Thoughts from a friend...
“Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.” Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun
I'd recently re-watched the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" and had posted the above quote on my facebook because it spoke to me. It gave voice to my feelings perfectly on how I felt those first few months. Various people commented in the thread that started. Here's one lady that made me stop and think about her words. I'm still working on digesting them and really internalizing the thought process but I think if I can it will be helpful.
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Every minute that you think about what you think you lost you are preventing yourself from having even the possibility of a great life. Yes, he is an Ahole. No, you did not deserve it. As long as you hold on to your "victim" mentality you have no room for the good stuff to get in. Try to stop thinking in terms of what you feel you are missing out on and try to simply start ADDING things that make you smile. Or things that you think might make you smile eventually. One day you will wake up and have a whole new set of memories that make you feel happy and not the pain that you feel now but you can't give up trying no matter what. Keep adding positive things and please HEAR what the people who know you and love you say. Be open to the possibilities that life --the REST of your life here on earth -- CAN be and please stop seeing everything in terms of what one liar said or did. Haven't you given him enough of yourself? He never deserved to even know your heart. He didn't deserve your love. He sure as hell doesn't deserve your future too. Stop giving it to him.
I worried about this all the way home today (7 hr drive where I couldn't post) and just wanted to make sure that it wasn't misunderstood. the 'victim' phrase....when my house burned down and it was the neighbor kids who did it and the cop is sleeping with their mother and covered it up...and the insurance company didn't pay a penny because it was arson...blah blah...and I felt so VICTIMIZED that we lost everything we ever had and I was so very angry to the point that it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing i thought of at night and it usually woke me up in the middle of the night...and I was just consumed with anger and it seemed so unfair and I didn't know what the heck to do about it....etc etc....
I know it isn't exactly what you are going through but the feelings and emotions and level of intensity I think is the same....and its been a little more than a year now since it happened and finally one day recently I just said, ENOUGH!!! This anger is taking over my life. This thing that happened sucks and it was so wrong and unfair and why? and a lot of "woe is me" feelings and feeling like nobody understood what I could be going through. "Count your blessings" they said. "At least nobody was hurt" they said. "Time to cut your losses and move on" they said. ....and yet I couldn't. I didn't feel HEARD or Understood. When the holiday's came around and I knew my precious decorations and family heirlooms were just gone. When I lost my photos, my clothes, my stuff,, my LIFE's work...so much of my time spent working and buying things that were supposed to be with me were just POOF! Gone! and I was supposed to just let them get away with it? so, needless to say, I guess I'm not completely over it yet....lol....but the point I was trying to make this morning and here now, is that I felt victimized. I felt wronged. I felt sorry for myself. I felt nobody understood how much "things" could make me feel so sad and lost and hurt that they weren't here anymore.
And recently, I just woke up one day and decided that What's done is done. It sucked. I might have or could have done some things to prevent it from happening, but I didn't do them and all the wishing in the world wasn't going to turn back time for me to go back and alter the course. It happened and how much of my TODAY HAPPINESS and FUTURE HAPPINESS was I gonna let it rob me of. I decided right then and there to stop being the victim. To stop dwelling on it. To START living the rest of my life. My anger took a whole year from me. Thank God that nobody in my family died during the year when I was just an angry shell of my former self. Thank God that I decided to start appreciating what I DO still have and to just try to be happy again. No, it didn't go away completely and it was hard at first, but gets easier every day and I am again, Happy. I just wish the same for you.
I'd recently re-watched the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" and had posted the above quote on my facebook because it spoke to me. It gave voice to my feelings perfectly on how I felt those first few months. Various people commented in the thread that started. Here's one lady that made me stop and think about her words. I'm still working on digesting them and really internalizing the thought process but I think if I can it will be helpful.
----
Every minute that you think about what you think you lost you are preventing yourself from having even the possibility of a great life. Yes, he is an Ahole. No, you did not deserve it. As long as you hold on to your "victim" mentality you have no room for the good stuff to get in. Try to stop thinking in terms of what you feel you are missing out on and try to simply start ADDING things that make you smile. Or things that you think might make you smile eventually. One day you will wake up and have a whole new set of memories that make you feel happy and not the pain that you feel now but you can't give up trying no matter what. Keep adding positive things and please HEAR what the people who know you and love you say. Be open to the possibilities that life --the REST of your life here on earth -- CAN be and please stop seeing everything in terms of what one liar said or did. Haven't you given him enough of yourself? He never deserved to even know your heart. He didn't deserve your love. He sure as hell doesn't deserve your future too. Stop giving it to him.
I worried about this all the way home today (7 hr drive where I couldn't post) and just wanted to make sure that it wasn't misunderstood. the 'victim' phrase....when my house burned down and it was the neighbor kids who did it and the cop is sleeping with their mother and covered it up...and the insurance company didn't pay a penny because it was arson...blah blah...and I felt so VICTIMIZED that we lost everything we ever had and I was so very angry to the point that it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing i thought of at night and it usually woke me up in the middle of the night...and I was just consumed with anger and it seemed so unfair and I didn't know what the heck to do about it....etc etc....
I know it isn't exactly what you are going through but the feelings and emotions and level of intensity I think is the same....and its been a little more than a year now since it happened and finally one day recently I just said, ENOUGH!!! This anger is taking over my life. This thing that happened sucks and it was so wrong and unfair and why? and a lot of "woe is me" feelings and feeling like nobody understood what I could be going through. "Count your blessings" they said. "At least nobody was hurt" they said. "Time to cut your losses and move on" they said. ....and yet I couldn't. I didn't feel HEARD or Understood. When the holiday's came around and I knew my precious decorations and family heirlooms were just gone. When I lost my photos, my clothes, my stuff,, my LIFE's work...so much of my time spent working and buying things that were supposed to be with me were just POOF! Gone! and I was supposed to just let them get away with it? so, needless to say, I guess I'm not completely over it yet....lol....but the point I was trying to make this morning and here now, is that I felt victimized. I felt wronged. I felt sorry for myself. I felt nobody understood how much "things" could make me feel so sad and lost and hurt that they weren't here anymore.
And recently, I just woke up one day and decided that What's done is done. It sucked. I might have or could have done some things to prevent it from happening, but I didn't do them and all the wishing in the world wasn't going to turn back time for me to go back and alter the course. It happened and how much of my TODAY HAPPINESS and FUTURE HAPPINESS was I gonna let it rob me of. I decided right then and there to stop being the victim. To stop dwelling on it. To START living the rest of my life. My anger took a whole year from me. Thank God that nobody in my family died during the year when I was just an angry shell of my former self. Thank God that I decided to start appreciating what I DO still have and to just try to be happy again. No, it didn't go away completely and it was hard at first, but gets easier every day and I am again, Happy. I just wish the same for you.
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