Thoughts...A lot of thoughts **TW**

Woke up and laid in bed for quite some time. My eyes burned because I was tired. I wanted to go back to sleep. I did not though. The thought of whether I should weigh myself or not went through my head. I was scared. Terrifed. Especially since I have not taken a crap for a few days. I went to the bathroom- my stomach was protruding. I knew I gained. I had to of- I just knew it. Took the scale out. Stood there. Put it back. Pondered. Took it out. Rolled the rug in the bathroom back to the exact spot I always do. Placed the scale carefully down, aligned perfectly in the same tile squares that I always do. Peed. Took my clothes of and put it the same corner spot. Took out my hair tie. Brushed my hair. Took off all my bracelets and my watch. Typically I tap the scale once, stand on it, take a deep breath and stare into the mirror. Today I did not do that. I did not follow my routine precisely. Before I got on the scale I put toilet paper over the number. When the scale at calculated my weight I moved the TP over so I could see the first number. It was "1". FUCK. Anxiety rushed through my body. Do I move it over another number or not? I moved it one more. It read "0". Okay, I can deal with that...or can I? I want it lower, but I already know it is not. I was terrifed to completely take the paper off. Then I just ripped it off. I stood there shocked. I could not take a breath. What the hell? How did that happen? That cannot possibly be right. No way in hell. Across the screen the number "100.0" flashed. This did not make sense. Last week when I weighed myself it said "100.0" each day. I had to of gained weight. The scale must be broken. I jumped off. Reset it. Stood on again. It read "100.0". Impossible. Jumped off and ran into the living room. Got something heavy. Placed it on the scale. "47.9" Wow. The scale was not broken. What the hell?
Hours later I am still confused. My mind is boggeled. Today I have not accomplished much. For the most part I have just written a lot. Here, my journal, lots of places. I analyzed and made a spreadsheet of all my grades/classes/credits/GPA's from High School, Undergrad, and Nursing School. It is sad and pathetic. My GPA's are horrible. I have no idea how I got into college or was offered a job after undergrad. I always thought I had a 3.5 in High School- wrong. It was a 3.417. None of the few AP classes did I score high enough on the AP exam to recieve any credit for college. The only classes I received A's in were PE, Health, Advanced Band, Trigonometry, Human Anatomry & Physiology. The only grade below a B that I received was a C+ in AP Statistics. I should of never taken that class. All other grades were B's and B+'s. Lame. My GPA from undergrad was even more pathetic- I can't even write it down. In nursing school so far I have a 3.1 :( I know i can do better. This is just unacceptable.
As of right now I am reading my past written journals. Specifcally the one from Sheppard Pratt and Renfrew. It makes me cry. The torture I had to put up with. The crap that I wrote of me wanting to get better. The positive sayings and quotes that I had written. Wanting to get better. The fact that food nourishes my body and should not be an enemy. Food is like gas for a car. If you do not have gas you're car will break down and not run. If you do not have food, you're body will break down and not fucntion. Do I believe that now? Absolutely not. I am on top of the world. I can do anything I want.