Thought I was healing - big surprise!

Thought I was on the upward slope of healing.  Big Surprise today that I am not.  I am in so much pain but it is not all about Smokey just my entire life without him.  It is so not fair how losing Smokey changed my life 100%.  It just is not fair.  It changed my life with the loss of Smokey so very much.  I hate it.  I hate the idea of Smokey not being here with me to cuddle at night.  I hate the idea of Smokey not being able to kiss me hello when he came home from work.  I hate the idea of Smokey not here watching TV with me and laughing at the stupid things that we see.  I hate the idea of Smokey not being here to tell me if he liked the dinner I made or not or what I could do to improve it.  I just hate the idea of Smokey not being here with me to enjoy life together.  It is not fair.  My life has changed so very much without my Smokey.  I still have not found the elusive part-time job.  I have no Smokey to vent out my frustrations with and we shared our frustrations with one another.  I come home to an empty apartment and it always makes me sad.  I can go out and have fun with my friends and family but still come home to an apartment without my Smokey in it.  I can flirt with other guys but still come home to an apartment without my Smokey.  Who said life was fair?  They were wrong.  There are plenty of fish in the sea but not my Smokey anymore.  He has fled the scene.  I released Smokey's ashes.  He is gone gone gone to my sorrow.