though I have a hard time being dynamic....

though I have a hard time being dynamic... I have to deal with it.

being dynamic raises redflag worries within me

big time, letting go with my spirit, my behavior has lead me to some big mistakes

I've tried to make amends and when I make mistakes as you've probably seen I go into

a grueling inward examination as my way of dealing with disappintment - I am trying to make peace with it -

and yet I now know everything every circumstance and issue can't always be 

wrapped up in a tidy little bundle and that reality might be part of the answer - that some things are a dynamic

rather just a beautiful solution. We all might live on a spectrum of answers...aka what solutions in life

sit well with us and we each have a degree of a humanity scope vs. self interest that we can live with.

I am really crazy guys. But keep on keeping on.
I feel split in two- the master of philosophies in the abstract and beauty

and then the self propelling person for what I fight for and gain for in life as a 'self

distinguishing individual' and how that makes me react to different things I come into contact

with. I know that statement is really avoidant of what I am trying to say.

I fight so hard for my life and for what is mine, and so when it comes to what I pursue

in life I know that I want nice stuff around me that reflect the good and hard work I have done.

Self interest vs philosophical selflessness.

Where doth the two meet?!!

I think I struggle or have struggled with knowing how to communicate my meaning which would resonate with essential humanity, rather than be an exploration or negotiation of what makes me tick. What I like in the context of our pluralistic society so to speak. Maybe I like writing journals and that’s ok? I see a friend how he answers that question in a kind of 'Tall Poppy Syndrome' kind of way. He wants to prove himself to society through creating extreme wealth and curiously he seems annoyed by people who are happy in themselves as well as successful. I think I kind of know for myself that I look for a kind of integrity within me to motivate me in life but I know one size does not fit all including for me . I have the cross I bear in life 

which can center me as my priest friend said. I get knocked out of my orbit when things get stressful. I think I'm finding grounding again ...for now:)