This too shall pass.

Well, today isn't going as great as I thought it might. Yesterday was so beautifull. It was warm and the sun was out, and it seemed like everyone was finally waking up from the hard winter that we have had this year. It was supposed to be warmer today, but it doesn't seem that way. I'm also still having trouble with negative thinking that I really have to struggle with to not bring me down. sometimes it seems like I can see the negative in everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking I'm going to hurt myself, but I seem to be trying to make some sense out of this life I've been given. I'm getting older now and I'm scared. I'm not ready for this to end yet, but it seems like I have a mountain in front of me. I used to bounce back and MAKE things happen all the time, but that seems to have changed. Everything seems to have changed since I went to prison. the economy is pretty bad now. prices are soaring so much that you can't buy things like I used to. the unemployment is extreamly hard, and discouraging. I'm living in a shelter with a lot of street people that are very negative. I can't talk to hardly anyone. the places I have to use to get things done are the same. Even when I go for my methadone in the morning, I'm sorry, but the people are extremely nuts. All drama, and me, me, me. when I get back to the shelter I feel this huge knot tighten in my stomach like I just want to hit someone. I'm not used to this. I know I've been an addict, and drinker most of my life, but I can't stand this type of people. It's a real struggle to watch what I say, and not let my emotions take over. I know it's only day 4 (I think, or 3)but I want everything good right now. I will be alright. I'm sure this is just a phase I'm going through or something. it's just hard because it seems like I'm the biggest fuck up in the world. Every wrong thing I ever did plays continuously over, and over in my head. I just want some peace and perhaps some security. lots of times I feel like crying. I miss my mother, and she's been dead about twenty years. I miss my wife too, but she's gone too. I miss everyone that I knew before in Toronto, but there all gone. anyway, I know these are just some feelings I'm going through for some reason. Damned feelings. anyway, I sure don't want to drink or drug about it. I know that would kill me for sure. I have to go to my appointment now. It's about another treatment program. I don't know if I really want it now or what. anyway, I do know I need to stay busy. Have a good day everyone.    Anyway, just had my interview and it was alright, I suppose. just the usual questions that I don't understand why they always ask them anyway. I suppose I'm a bit tired of them after all these years, and perhaps don't hold much high hopes anymore. So I have a few weeks before going in, if I decide that. Right now I don't see much hope here in Toronto, so it may be a good idea. The only way I see that it could be any worse is if I were to go to jail again, or end up living on the streets. I'm only one step away from that now. it would be a better environment, that would be safe for a bit, and I wouldn't have to worry for awhile. it could end up very good. Anyway, today I'm not going to worry about it. the program is only three months long, that seems like nothing compared to the time I've spent in jail now. Can't smoke in there either. That will be a little hard, but I'm used to that to from prison. So, I'm going to take it easy and try not to worry about things. I'll be alright.