This...thing...
Dear DS diary,
I've been kinda reluctant to talk about it on here, but tonight I need to.
My youngest brother is getting married this week. It's taking place on Saturday at an art museum in Worcester. The place has been scouted out, so location itself isn't the problem.
The problem is what recent news events have done to me combined with the unknown of the bride's side of the family.
There are too many of said recent news stories to mention. The most recent one, of the mass shooting in South Carolina, was chilling. But there have been others in recent months, including the riots in Baltimore that left a CVS burned to the ground. The more of these I hear, the more afraid I'm getting. But having radio news on when I'm eating with my parents is non-negotiable (maybe I've said that before? It's been a while since I've done an entry on here.)
So bombs, guns and the like have been invading most of my dreams recently. It seems the only time I sleep through safely is when I'm completely emotionally exhausted. Otherwise, I've been having 3am-4am (somewhere in that range) nightmares almost without fail, and usually I can't fall back asleep after them.
The bride-to-be seems innocent and safe enough -- I've met her, several times -- but I don't know a thing about her side of the family otherwise...and I have no way to scout them out (I have reached the point where I feel so vulnerable I have to scout everyone and everything beforehand). The few friends who have taken the time to understand how I tick know what this means for me and my trust levels with the unknown: They're non-existent. I'm afraid they're going to hurt me, and now that I've been desensitized to the point that I feel something bad can happen anytime and anywhere, I can't get that feeling out of my head. I don't know how I can because IRL people look at me like I have four heads.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to regret it if I go, I know my stress level can't take it. But if I don't, I'm left just as hurt because if I can't go out, I may as well become a hermit...and yet I feel like I have to lean that way because it seems to be the only way to be safe.
It's going to be so hard to effectively distract but it's starting to look like maybe I have to look at my YouTube gameplay channel (Puzzlefan30) as a hobby. I'm not comfortable with that idea. But it seems like I might have to accept it whether I want to or not.
I've been kinda reluctant to talk about it on here, but tonight I need to.
My youngest brother is getting married this week. It's taking place on Saturday at an art museum in Worcester. The place has been scouted out, so location itself isn't the problem.
The problem is what recent news events have done to me combined with the unknown of the bride's side of the family.
There are too many of said recent news stories to mention. The most recent one, of the mass shooting in South Carolina, was chilling. But there have been others in recent months, including the riots in Baltimore that left a CVS burned to the ground. The more of these I hear, the more afraid I'm getting. But having radio news on when I'm eating with my parents is non-negotiable (maybe I've said that before? It's been a while since I've done an entry on here.)
So bombs, guns and the like have been invading most of my dreams recently. It seems the only time I sleep through safely is when I'm completely emotionally exhausted. Otherwise, I've been having 3am-4am (somewhere in that range) nightmares almost without fail, and usually I can't fall back asleep after them.
The bride-to-be seems innocent and safe enough -- I've met her, several times -- but I don't know a thing about her side of the family otherwise...and I have no way to scout them out (I have reached the point where I feel so vulnerable I have to scout everyone and everything beforehand). The few friends who have taken the time to understand how I tick know what this means for me and my trust levels with the unknown: They're non-existent. I'm afraid they're going to hurt me, and now that I've been desensitized to the point that I feel something bad can happen anytime and anywhere, I can't get that feeling out of my head. I don't know how I can because IRL people look at me like I have four heads.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to regret it if I go, I know my stress level can't take it. But if I don't, I'm left just as hurt because if I can't go out, I may as well become a hermit...and yet I feel like I have to lean that way because it seems to be the only way to be safe.
It's going to be so hard to effectively distract but it's starting to look like maybe I have to look at my YouTube gameplay channel (Puzzlefan30) as a hobby. I'm not comfortable with that idea. But it seems like I might have to accept it whether I want to or not.
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