This stage in life

It is so hard to look at facebook these days. Most of the people I am friends with on there are people I went to school with. While the majority of them are getting married or having babies, I'm saying goodbye to the man I was suppose to share those things with. The only ceremony I got with him was his funeral. It seems like there is a wedding every weekend and everytime I see wedding pictures I think of what my and Brad's wedding would have been like and my heart sinks. If I had married him it would have either been on a beach or a farm. If we did the beach it would be barefoot and a bonfire, the farm cowboy boots and a bonfire. I had always imagined our kids taking part in it with us. It would have been incredible. And then there are the newborn pictures, and everytime I see another one I can't help but think about what our baby would look like and how we would have the 3 most perfect children in the world. I wanted that more than anything. I understand now why we were never able to get pregnant, I would have been left on my own with two kids instead of one. And I honestly don't think I could have handled that. It's just a very odd feeling knowing that in this stage of my life I should be getting married and having babies, not making trips to the cemetery and waiting for death certificates and autopsy reports.