This should not be my life...

Wow...I'm here writing again more than a year later. And even worse, it's been over 6 years since I first came on here...and I can't believe I'm still struggling with the same crap with the same man. I feel like my life has gone absolutely nowhere. I CAN say that I'm not in a deep depression anymore. I don't take any antidepressants anymore...haven't for over 2 years. I only take 15mg/day of Dexedrine to help me focus. I'm a grandmother of 2, and very proud and happy about that. My relationship is great with all of my children, who are all grown. But I still miss them so much. I don't see them often enough. I feel trapped and very isolated. I've been through so many jobs, and most of them end up as failures, or I feel miserable...or both. I'm not happy with Ken, but I can't seem to make myself leave. I've been to Hell and back over and over again with him. We've had the most horrible fights and I've felt the lowest depths of despair and heartache in my life so many times. Maybe even worse than with my ex husband. But we always get past it...until it happens again, which seems to be less and less often. But his drinking and lying and covering it up is just as bad, or worse. I think I am becoming numb to it all most of the time. I hardly ever cry or get mad anymore. But I also know I've let go of so much emotion that I hardly even know if I love him anymore. I find myself resenting him...even loathing him at times. Especially if he goes on a binge. I can't stand the sight or the smell of him. I don't want him to touch me, or even talk to me. I want him to GO AWAY!! I sleep in the guest room most of the time. I find that most of the time I just want to be alone...to live alone! I want to come and go as I please...see my kids and my family whenever I damn well feel like it! And drive MY car whenever I want to! He uses it to drive to work every day and I feel trapped at home worrying if he's going to drink and drive! He feels justified to use it because he pays the rent and most of the bills and I'm not working very much. I pay the car payments and insurance. He made a few payments when I was out of work. He asks me to help out more with money, yet I see him walk in with $50 worth of alcohol at least once a week, and he has no problem spending twice that at a bar once a month or so. He always hides vodka from me and throws the bottle away...even if he knows I've already seen it! It's insanity!! We had a Huge fight the other night when we went out. I was so looking forward to it...a good band was playing, and I really wanted to dance. The bar was doing a Mardi Gras theme and had a psychic there. We each had a reading, which was fun, but somehow Ken didn't understand the cost...even though we were both right there when she told us beforehand! So he was mad and didn't want to pay her. He relented and gave me the money to go pay her. I wanted to wait until she wasn't busy and started chatting with a guy. I guess it was about 10 minutes or so and Ken became furious that I was talking to "some guy", grabbed the money from my hand and ordered me back to our table. He accused me of wanting to f**k the guy...he wouldn't even let me speak! I was talking to him about business...I'm looking for job opportunities, always! And we talked about music...I sing, he plays guitar, as does my son. It was absolutely ridiculous. I've never seen him act so controlling or jealous. He said "we're done". The fight went back and forth for a while, but we finally made up. It was another opportunity for me to get out, but I didn't take it. I have no steady job, no money, and no place to go that isn't 3 hours away. Most of the stuff in this apartment is mine. I don't like the feeling of just leaving, unless it's planned and I actually move out. So, I remain stuck. And a few good things remain in the relationship, so I hang on to them. He makes me feel guilty saying how much he loves and needs me. But he drinks and drinks...and lies...and tries to hide it...and denies it...and gets defensive if I bring it up. He will NEVER give it up. Not for me, not for his daughter, not for his own health or his life!! So why the HELL am I still here?? What is wrong with me?? Why am I so powerless? I feel myself dying inside...almost everything that matters to me is on hold, on the back burner, being hidden or denied. I need to leave for ME...so I can be happy. I know I deserve better. But day after day I do nothing. I stay. I ride the roller coaster. He does nice things, then he treats me like shit. Uuup....and dowwwn...again and again.