This photo
Hi everyone. I was away for LD weekend. Really lovely... we expected Earl the hurricane and just got a couple of big windy days and the most amazing stars! The Milky Way!
Andy would have loved it.
Don't I say that, or think of him, so many times a day that you can't keep track. In my worst moments, he is nowhere, in my best moments, he is just everywhere.
So I changed the profile photo, and want to tell you about this one. It's Caitlin, Byron, and Andy, back in their Lord of the Rings long-hair days, lol. Sitting on the back step of my house. Caitlin took off her glasses, and Byron scrunched them both together for the photo. Andy was holding a Bud, as I recall. His face looks pink because he's probably already had a few. Sigh. Andy and beer. A match made in heaven. Or actually second only to Andy and weed, or 'chiba', as he called it.
Sometimes I think that he was the bravest guy on earth, to face cancer and live his life as he did. Any doubts I had, like what's with all the drinking and smoking, why not just face it head on, got totally cleaned up and neutralized in the last weeks of his life.
I re-read a bunch of the journals we put on CaringBridge last year. We're coming up to October when he first got the terrible news that the cancer was growing again. Hope was crushed like a bug. Probably one of the five worst days of my life. I will never forget being with him when we made the call to find out what they saw in the scan. I will never forget his agony. I made promises on that day, that he would never be alone, that he would have dignity in his care to the end. Such a hard day.
Who gives a rats ass if someone facing death from brain cancer wants to drink some beer? Well, a lot of people did, and tried to tell me to get him some help: counselling, AA meetings, whatever. Obviously they did not understand at ALL. Doesn't the dying man get his last choices honored? I am so so so so so SO glad we supported him, to the last minute of his life, short and hard as it was.
Love and peace, Andy-Man. One love. So much love.
xox
Andy would have loved it.
Don't I say that, or think of him, so many times a day that you can't keep track. In my worst moments, he is nowhere, in my best moments, he is just everywhere.
So I changed the profile photo, and want to tell you about this one. It's Caitlin, Byron, and Andy, back in their Lord of the Rings long-hair days, lol. Sitting on the back step of my house. Caitlin took off her glasses, and Byron scrunched them both together for the photo. Andy was holding a Bud, as I recall. His face looks pink because he's probably already had a few. Sigh. Andy and beer. A match made in heaven. Or actually second only to Andy and weed, or 'chiba', as he called it.
Sometimes I think that he was the bravest guy on earth, to face cancer and live his life as he did. Any doubts I had, like what's with all the drinking and smoking, why not just face it head on, got totally cleaned up and neutralized in the last weeks of his life.
I re-read a bunch of the journals we put on CaringBridge last year. We're coming up to October when he first got the terrible news that the cancer was growing again. Hope was crushed like a bug. Probably one of the five worst days of my life. I will never forget being with him when we made the call to find out what they saw in the scan. I will never forget his agony. I made promises on that day, that he would never be alone, that he would have dignity in his care to the end. Such a hard day.
Who gives a rats ass if someone facing death from brain cancer wants to drink some beer? Well, a lot of people did, and tried to tell me to get him some help: counselling, AA meetings, whatever. Obviously they did not understand at ALL. Doesn't the dying man get his last choices honored? I am so so so so so SO glad we supported him, to the last minute of his life, short and hard as it was.
Love and peace, Andy-Man. One love. So much love.
xox
Replies
My eyes are filled with tears. I\'m glad Andy enjoyed his beer & his weed. You were a wonderful support in so many ways. You never left his side & supported his choices. Love to you & Andy. Linda
WHAT are they talking about, most kids his age are doing this stuff without the
terrible things he faced. And why oh why would anyone who wasn\'t in his moccasins think they could say these things. It baffles the mind.
Well, my friend I literally was coming in to get on my laptop to write you and there was your yet another amazing post.
What a wonderful mother you are. What a comfort to him that you keep his heart in your heart(and still do). You comforted him when you were torn to ribbons.
peace and blessing to you
and, as Marie Antoinette once famously said \"let them drink lemonade!\"
Sometimes I just have to shake my head and think \"what were they thinking???\" What a blessing for Andy to have you as his Mom. Thank goodness he enjoyed his beer and his weed right up to the end.
Your story reminds me of once when my father-in-law, his sister and his brother were all together (very rare) when they were all in their 90s. They were bickering as usual over everything ~ siblings to the end! We were eating dinner and Rick\'s aunt (f-i-l\'s sister) was really giving it to Rick\'s uncle for eating too much chocolate and not eating a healthy diet! I thought it was hilarious when my f-i-l said \"come on, Liz, he\'s 96 ~ let him eat what he wants!\"
I\'m so glad Andy had it as he wanted!
Sending love and tight hugs ~ Debbie
Way to go momma...you knew what Andy needed...and provided everything he wanted. You sound like one cool mom and I know he adored you for seeing what really were the priorities....love and hugs to you...Karen
I agree with all! Geez, dreadful AA meetings for a person with limited time??? I\'ve attended those with a housemate I had. I finally waited in the car for her! CRAZY stuff. AND I think being stoned is fine when facing what Andy had to face!
You are one terrific mom, is all I can say!
BIG HUG,
Sus
Can you imagine the Milky Way from Andy\'s perspective now?? I am in favor of doing what ever measure it takes to provide comfort and painless days....especially my child. I\'m not so sure I wouldn\'t have joined him in a beer or two or three....love, dale..brandon\'s mom
oh and hey.. I remember the Milky Way in Maine! First thing I would do when I stepped out of the car was look up! It was like a memory from childhood, the Milky Way. I realized then what we had lost, what our children had lost.
So it was first the Milky Way and then the scent of pines. Wonderful. My parents lived in an isolated place on a lake there. I miss that place!
That was such a beautiful post. You are any amazing woman. I hope your day is filled with peace. Loveing you my friend, Debbie
You are so very right in your thinking & an truly amazing person....Hugs, ann
I agree with everyone else. What harm would ton\'s of beer or pot do? Whatever it took to help him through. You are a great Mom. Hugs, Barbara
Dearest Sarah, I wish I could write like you, I don\'t have the talent and sitting on my brain writing this cuts off the blood flow.
I am so proud of you and grateful for Andy that you let him live how he needed to live.
I remember Tara Lynn telling me how upset she was because she knew that she was addicted to the narcotics and kept trying to cut down on them. She didn\'t need the \"fix\" or maybe she did, besides the pain, she her anxiety would skyrocket just before it was time for her meds. I told her who freakin\' cares?!? It\'s part of your chemical make up now, that is what you need. Don\'t you dare cut down!! From one loving mom\'s heart to another,
Gale Sue
lovely journal entry. so happy you understood eachother so well. the love doesn\'t die. we carry it within our very cells.
What is it they say : Don\'t throw stones at glass houses.... something to that effect. Since they did not live your life, they have no say..
Maybe he is flying the milky way with a beer in hand.. Happy thoughts to you
Penny
You are a wonderful mother as I know Andy was a wonderful son, brother and husband. I know your bond will remain strong until you meet again. Love to you. Robin
I think as my son, as your son experienced this horrible eating away disease should have anything they want....My son did not ask for anything, but no one in the big \"C\" should be denied anything, after all they are dying...Thinking of you..
Sandi..Ken\'s mom forever