This morning’s mental telegraph
I think we can all feel trapped in our lives at some point or in some way. Whether it’s by ability or circumstance or both. I am grateful that now i can stand back and accept things and know and appreciate that I am good and safe. Monastic life is pretty good. Things are good. I know life can be very tenuous. At moments it seems that nothing is safe or oppositely unchangeable. I know life can turn on a dime. Things are good now and I am grateful.
As for notes for the rest of the day, today has been a do nothing day outside of gettng chapel ready, services and
morning meal - but that's good - i feel tired and very weak.
I did an errand down to get my eyeglasses fixed - and to Starbucks-
and after having written the above passage about acceptance - I feel strangely more relaxed
and yet also weak - in a way I see an unvarnished pic of myself maybe -
and I have a greater insight into my mom - how she was trying her best - I won't get down on myself -
but I see how my life is just so plain to see now - all variables on the dashboard.
I am taking care of myself best I can - and I find it nearly hard to believe that I am completely self
supporting (under circumstances that provide for this.)
I've been resting and hallucinating for some reason - a set of worrying dreams - like something is unfinished
or tentative and then I wake up and tell myself it's just a dream -
I went to the Safeway Market Bakery section in Mt. Airy which looked pretty bleak.
I am not going to make a decision right away about transferring -
I need to rest today - I hope you're having a great day - thanks for everything.
you rock!
I keep on wanting to create a summary of ideas
but I think it's probably about me wanting a mirror...
consciousness explained? random thought threads explained?
Very often while driving (well I used to do it a lot when I was younger)
I would look in the rear view mirror - check - are you still here?
Life is a mystery and also clear in some ways....take care of life
and so many questions..
Thank you very much for all your indulgence. I’m ok
I need to negotiate with this thing in me and I’m trying to be kind and giving to others
Replies
to my gypsy logic, that trapped feel is more than a feeling. it is a fact of life, and a desirable one, at that. the times i have attempted to run from my life in full hypervigilant flight, i was still trapped being the same ol' me when i ran out of steam in a new place. all i had accomplished was creating the need to build a new trap out of unfamiliar materials. life without a comfy trap is suckus maximus. another word for that accomplishment is, "homelessness." even when it ain't perfect, a comfy trap is comforting.
methinks you already have made a list of ideas, grasshopper. read your journal and flesh out some of these entries. the art of writing is in the rewrite.
Thank you so much Arfie!!