This Mornings Meditation
This morning I feel naked in emotion. Still very sick with only little energy to actully speak without going into a hacking fit that tears at my lungs and choak me out of air. Sleep was very limit. Maybe an hour in full. This morning I am reflection and medatating with a bit of spirit flute music. I am taken back to when I was in highschool I was admitted to the phyc ward of a hospital straight from school. As I recall I refused to take a science test, claiming it was because I didn't have a pencil, but looking back I believe it was me being stubborn because I didn't know the anwsers. The next period I was summond to the office from art class, and I was a bit parinoid. I had ciggs in my bag that I threw away before I left the building. When I went outside there came dad driving up. He started screaming loudly currsing how I was fucked up, stupid, a waste of time and worthless. I kept my head down embarassed feeling my mind start to slip away taking in every word. When I got to the office I was pretty beaten down. My mom was in the office with two other people saying that I was exspelled and would be moved to a different school. At that point I shut down. My body and mind just collapes to the floor and I started banging my head slow and steady on a filing cabnet. I could not speak, or do anything else. The officer of our school was called in and he took it very sensitive, speaking to me lightly, and he kept saying "you were fine when I saw you earlier, we were joking around, talk to me, please talk to me" I couldnt, and a part of me wanted to but it wasnt enough anymore. It was like I was in a trance. Two more officers came in and literaly carried me to a patty wagon. While they were driving me to the hospital I remember feeling numb, lost, broken, and yes, worthless. They took me inside in a wheelchair and I still could not look up. A doctor shined a light in my eyes and I was tested for drugs. Drugs had nothing to do with it. While I was in the ward there were alot of group sessions. We would go around complimenting one another, and I hated getting compliment because I felt it was a lie. I remeber a girl there around my age. She had the most beautiful eyes, and I told her how beatutil and deep they ran. She was release before I was but she handed me a note just before she left saying how much it touched her because she had a lazy eye that she was often bullied over. I couldnt tell. I thought they were bright and full of life. She was healing and I was still a drug test. So many drugs that made me sick. I learned that I supress. I take emotions and turn the into toxic mind waste. I guess I started doing that again. I know I have started doing that again. There are triggers that cause me to supress and I am trying to find those triggers and learn how to get past them. One of them is when I do work and research and it gets ignored. After so many times I am still researching but I do not share what I learn because what I have done to that person because I feel usless and unimportant. I always walk around with a negative vibe. Always say I hate this person or that. I don't hate anyone. I hate how a person treats and taks to me. They hurt me then I either push them away or hurt them in return. What a shit move. People don't realize that when I am cruel I insult myself and beat my own self down. I don't mean to hurt others. I know how it feels. The problem is this. Using my ex love for an exsapmle; he broke up with me and I purposely started saying so many lies about how he was already replaced and that I hated him, and that he was a piece of shit pretty much. Truth be told, It was all a lie. He wasn't replaced by anyone, and God knows I see so much amazing in him and believe in him so much that it hurts. So why would I lie about all that? Because he wasn't listening whenever I said I loved him and he didn't trust me which made my self worth go down and caused alot of triggers because I'm used to it at this point. Never being good enough. Then when he responded that he knew I was cheating on him all along I was shocked and now I'm thinking, what the hell is this man thinking? It's not just me and my supression, something is off. I told him right there that, that was a lie from my ass, all of it. I was NOT cheating on him, and would never go that low. If he saw conversations it was when we broke up and I needed someone to confide in. I think he doesnt know when we were broken up and when we were on at this point and that warped his mind. "You were cheating".. no we were broken up and I needed someone to say I was beautiful because I feel like shit. Even when we were broken up I couldnt look at another man with the desire I have for him and never fucked or met up with another. Seeing his self worth go down made me struggle because anything I said that was positive he never believed it. I said he was handsome one day and he said he was fat. He kept putting a negative with my positive, so I gave up being positive and started feeling like I was shit. Well my point is I pushed him because of how low I felt about myself. Thats the problem. I love him but when I feel low, I supress. Him feeling worthless about himself doesnt help and I know I did shit but this isnt all me, theres something else going on with him. Anyway back on topic, I need to mediate some more and figure out what all the triggers are because one thing I did learn from being in that hospital for so long was that I need to open up. I'm hurting myself because thats what I'm used to. I'm better than this, and I deserve more. How do I untrain a mind thats used to feeling pain? Does that make sence?
Replies