this morning

this morning I woke to the nervous anxiety that happens many mornings

in the process of me waking up. I feel bad that I fixate on it - as if to solve it -

I just don't know how people have a cogent sense of self - I feel like I've got

half a brain - if I were to just jump out of bed without giving a thought to the needling

and the chaos that it fills my start to the day I would break. It feels like I may be 'perfecting' 

my sense of self, of which I want no part of. I just want to be functioning well

and leading a good life. 

I got up and went to respond to a friend's email. I felt incapable about being

supportive (I guess it was the mood too) - I just had to really focus to be generous

and I felt bad about that.

So I went to get coffee and again I felt kind of bitter and reactive to the barista -

in seeing this now as I am writing - it really is a theme to the start of my day.

I've come home and just meditated. I wrote my friend the Abbess and wished her

a beautiful and light filled holiday week ahead! I am so grateful for the compassion

and grace of life to accept me for my imperfection in efforts and self.

And with that I feel I can start to the day. I know we are all trying in our own ways

and my reaching out may be full of faults but the embrace of my whole being

fills me up with a sense of wellness and peace and acceptance.