this may seem weird, even for me...but....

I was sitting on the couch after coming home from work...still buzzing after

running full tilt at the job for 4 hours....

After work my body and mind were wanting so much of a linearity - a kind of knowing

of where I stood in space and time - here while I was at home in my solitude.

I noticed this linearity - and I tried to open up as a reaction to that idea -

to not consider it but rather consider the spacial relationship non - linear sense I had

with myself after the work day. I thought maybe if I broke my relational perspective down

it might give me a sense of perspective and insight into my own sense of agency

and insight into the transition back to home life.

I looked outside my window and for some reason, while hearing the birds singing, I thought

about how if I did not have the luxury of living in this time of history.... in other

words, if I lived in say cave man times or medieval times, I would be following

the seasons to search for food and the constant search would be my way

of taking care of life. Much like the animals I was hearing outside.

I thought about my friend the Abbess and something she said "We don't have to learn

to live alone...we have to learn to live with god" - 

It just sparked in me to think "What does god want me to do with my time here today"
Both ideas kind of brought me back to the gentle enthusiasm for taking care of life. The basic

nuts and bolts of it..

I thought about my upcoming trip to go to the monastery in Maryland - and I wondered

how I would learn to live there again - during this visit? The example of the others

and my own insight and freedom, would help me find a kind of meditative and peaceful

practice while there. I like it there.

But this awareness kind of had me think in terms of how to have insight into any situation

I might find myself in - aside for the pleasure of self care, I just thought

about considering the basic idea of knowing how to think about any kind of job.

. I thought about it at work today - rather than going through the motions and not thinking

too involved and then reacting to my anxiety - instead what I thought about was 'what was expected and how was

I to seek out and figure out how to keep our department/business functioning on my own - without my boss being there..

Sounds pretty basic i know but I was just taking initiative and successfully predicting what would need to be done first

and then second....and so on for the day..

It kind of set me up - to look at my own insight into 'what does it take to take care of and deal with my days?"

And so I am here just writing about it. I wanted to write this down before my therapy appointment.

I kind of want to discuss this idea, even though it may seem a bit funky. 

My mind feels a bit sluggish and kind of lazy, but first things first, I'll take care of cleaning

this place before the meeting. Then I hope to keep myself 'awake with a sense of adventure and curiousity' about

life - even though the essentials I've written about here kind of break it all down into

some very basic and simple concepts. Maybe that's why I'm starting to feel sluggish. :)

I think it probably sounds like I am questioning the meaning of life hehe - but I just have these

thoughts and trying to move forward with a sense self management, competence, agency

and direction. I think it is what it is - what I think I'll talk to my therapist about is that I feel

foggy and a little down. I know I've got to be self responsible, so I'll clean a little and then get

on the telemedicine with her.

Peace and Have a super weekend ahead!!! :)

vacation for me for 2 weeks!!