This is supposed to be a POSITIVE thing...
Okay, so I've been able to take a step that my psychologist and social worker at the Lurie Center (it's a center that specializes in dealing with autistic people with complex problems) agreed I should do: Go see a counselor. The one I was referred to by them is not far from my house -- I could walk there in 15 minutes -- and I actually get to see him for the first time on Friday. This is a much faster turnaround for it than I thought was possible.
And yet...I'm having nightmares about seeing him. It's because he's new, and the place is new even though I went inside to make sure it was the right place earlier this week. Anxiety I have about the unfamiliar has become so automatic, I really don't have a chance of preventing it much anymore. I'm having trouble remembering exactly how this nightmare has gone, because I have been able to sleep through no more than two nights -- and that happened exactly once -- in a row for the last three weeks. But it has been the usual results.
One is what has been an issue for a very long time...he sounded safe when I arranged the appointment with him on the phone (he has no office staff), but my heart can't escape the feeling that once I arrive he's only going to hurt me.
And then there's the even worse scenario: Me knocking him out cold as a means to escape. One of my friends here agrees with me that I have very deep anger issues because I was steered for so long, was running for so long...that my life was totally out of my control for the better part of two decades. If you want to see the kind of anger that I'm afraid could come out if I don't find answers, copy this address into your browser and go to the 46 second mark of the video. The clip in question will only take about 15 seconds of your time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0XyLWQzP_s
Biggest problem with this is, it really just doesn't sound like me to be aggressive.
I really don't know where all of this stands. It seems like everything is a nightmare recently. Well, maybe not everything, but definitely more than enough to keep me awake at night. And I...really don't feel good about it.
And yet...I'm having nightmares about seeing him. It's because he's new, and the place is new even though I went inside to make sure it was the right place earlier this week. Anxiety I have about the unfamiliar has become so automatic, I really don't have a chance of preventing it much anymore. I'm having trouble remembering exactly how this nightmare has gone, because I have been able to sleep through no more than two nights -- and that happened exactly once -- in a row for the last three weeks. But it has been the usual results.
One is what has been an issue for a very long time...he sounded safe when I arranged the appointment with him on the phone (he has no office staff), but my heart can't escape the feeling that once I arrive he's only going to hurt me.
And then there's the even worse scenario: Me knocking him out cold as a means to escape. One of my friends here agrees with me that I have very deep anger issues because I was steered for so long, was running for so long...that my life was totally out of my control for the better part of two decades. If you want to see the kind of anger that I'm afraid could come out if I don't find answers, copy this address into your browser and go to the 46 second mark of the video. The clip in question will only take about 15 seconds of your time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0XyLWQzP_s
Biggest problem with this is, it really just doesn't sound like me to be aggressive.
I really don't know where all of this stands. It seems like everything is a nightmare recently. Well, maybe not everything, but definitely more than enough to keep me awake at night. And I...really don't feel good about it.
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