This is proving to be a very hard day
I'm feeling triggered today...no, it's not because of anything that anyone here has said or done. This is not the first time but when I've posted about it on the boards, even though responses have been supportive it doesn't seem to help much. So this time I'm putting it here:
Tonight is a major party night in my family. My parents are celebrating my 40th wedding anniversary today (big one for them, of course), and we're celebrating the birthdays of my dad and one of my brothers while we're at it. It's a triple celebration and it seems to be hurting me twice.
One way is that we're going to my parents' favorite restaurant for the celebration proper. Normally not a big deal. But tonight some of my extended family is going to be there too, and there will be around 15 of us. That's more people than I'm comfortable being around at one time, and it doesn't seem to matter that no unfamiliars are implicated in this. The truth is I'd rahter be in a group that's a third of the size and be able to choose my company. I wish one of the few friends I have here at DS land was going with me, but it's just asking too much because I know you all live a long, long way off.
The other is a trigger that is not new but feels worse every year: The birthday factor. I mean, I realize that there's no avoiding them, but it just breaks my heart that the rest of my family has been successful and looks forward to their birthdays when I'm still learning to crawl and basically dreading mine, just wanting it to disappear into the night somewhere. Tonight I'm being expected to be happy and celebrate, when the truth of the matter is that I'm just not in a mood to celebrate and can't fake being in it, either. It will be a victory if I make it back to my room afterwards before I have the breakdown that I know is coming but today feels totally unstoppable.
I need a hug... :'(
Tonight is a major party night in my family. My parents are celebrating my 40th wedding anniversary today (big one for them, of course), and we're celebrating the birthdays of my dad and one of my brothers while we're at it. It's a triple celebration and it seems to be hurting me twice.
One way is that we're going to my parents' favorite restaurant for the celebration proper. Normally not a big deal. But tonight some of my extended family is going to be there too, and there will be around 15 of us. That's more people than I'm comfortable being around at one time, and it doesn't seem to matter that no unfamiliars are implicated in this. The truth is I'd rahter be in a group that's a third of the size and be able to choose my company. I wish one of the few friends I have here at DS land was going with me, but it's just asking too much because I know you all live a long, long way off.
The other is a trigger that is not new but feels worse every year: The birthday factor. I mean, I realize that there's no avoiding them, but it just breaks my heart that the rest of my family has been successful and looks forward to their birthdays when I'm still learning to crawl and basically dreading mine, just wanting it to disappear into the night somewhere. Tonight I'm being expected to be happy and celebrate, when the truth of the matter is that I'm just not in a mood to celebrate and can't fake being in it, either. It will be a victory if I make it back to my room afterwards before I have the breakdown that I know is coming but today feels totally unstoppable.
I need a hug... :'(
Replies
*gentle hugs*
I am sorry that you have to be around a big group. I know how unsettling and anxiety provoking that can be. Try and focus on the people immediately around you and not on the whole group. You may find it a little easier if you give yourself blinkers to the whole group. Know what I mean?
As for the birthday factor, you know what I think about that, but I will repeat myself, because I think you need to hear it again.
You are achieving so much. You are going back to school and getting yourself to where you want to be. Would anyone else in your family be capable of that? I doubt it because it takes a special type of person to be able to do that, to look at their life and say \'this is not where I want to be\' and actually get up and do something about it.
It\'s okay to break down and cry, it\'s okay to take a time out for you and to feel what you need to feel right now. You are doing so much amazing stuff with your life, and I am proud of you.
Here if you need me, okay?
xoxox