This is just getting really odd...
I'm starting to think that perhaps I have a seriously overactive imagination. Witness:
So, my parents are going out on me tonight. My sister is a music director at a technical school about 45 minutes (maybe?) from where I live. She holds concerts twice per academic year, and tonight she is holding her spring concert. Her chorus and concert band will both be performing, and to make it even better for her it's open house night, so she may also get to field some inquiries about the music program that she runs.
I would love to go with them, except for this: Over the previous weekend, one of my colleagues at work had a bad accident. She fell -- I don't know all the details but it was accidental, I've been told -- and broke her hip. She can't bear any weight on it for 6-8 weeks, and we don't know when we'll see her at work again.
Also, the owner has been on vacation in Colorado for the last week. He comes back today, but the point of the matter is that my side of the pharmacy is a day and a half behind on our work because between these two things, we are seriously shorthanded. It's already clear that I need to work on Thursday, too, a day that normally I would have off.
This led to a nightmare, because with my sister, if you commit to going to one of her events, and then you don't show up...you hear about it, unless you have a really legitimate reason. Well, I have a legitimate reason -- they need me at work -- but I was still afraid she'd come to my house and do what you see in the video above to me.
This pushed me to the point where I felt I had to send her a text at 3:30am Tuesday morning to explain that I couldn't show up and why. She said it was okay but wanted to know what I was doing awake at this hour.
"It's called nightmares about how you'd react," came the response. "I'm in therapy for a reason."
Pardon my language, but if this doesn't establish that I am a clusterfuck with a lot of things to sort out, I really don't know what will.
So, my parents are going out on me tonight. My sister is a music director at a technical school about 45 minutes (maybe?) from where I live. She holds concerts twice per academic year, and tonight she is holding her spring concert. Her chorus and concert band will both be performing, and to make it even better for her it's open house night, so she may also get to field some inquiries about the music program that she runs.
I would love to go with them, except for this: Over the previous weekend, one of my colleagues at work had a bad accident. She fell -- I don't know all the details but it was accidental, I've been told -- and broke her hip. She can't bear any weight on it for 6-8 weeks, and we don't know when we'll see her at work again.
Also, the owner has been on vacation in Colorado for the last week. He comes back today, but the point of the matter is that my side of the pharmacy is a day and a half behind on our work because between these two things, we are seriously shorthanded. It's already clear that I need to work on Thursday, too, a day that normally I would have off.
This led to a nightmare, because with my sister, if you commit to going to one of her events, and then you don't show up...you hear about it, unless you have a really legitimate reason. Well, I have a legitimate reason -- they need me at work -- but I was still afraid she'd come to my house and do what you see in the video above to me.
This pushed me to the point where I felt I had to send her a text at 3:30am Tuesday morning to explain that I couldn't show up and why. She said it was okay but wanted to know what I was doing awake at this hour.
"It's called nightmares about how you'd react," came the response. "I'm in therapy for a reason."
Pardon my language, but if this doesn't establish that I am a clusterfuck with a lot of things to sort out, I really don't know what will.
Replies
I am so sorry that you are so afraid of everything.
Our minds seem to work similar that we imagine the very very worst.
Do you really believe that yr sister would hurt you physically?
It was just a dream and even though it seemed scary, it isn\'t going to happen in real life. Dreams are just a way of releasing our fear, anger, inntermost desires, etc. Just try rationalizing things out, and it\'ll be okay.
Your sister said it was okay, so maybe she understands. I wouldn\'t worry about it as much.
I think I really need to essentially respond to both comments:
* She probably does understand...it\'s no longer a secret in my immediate family that I\'m in a really bad place with enough internal anger and fears running through me to load a bulldozer a few times over. So I think Meggie right, logically, that it shouldn\'t be that big a deal, but...
* ...in this particular instance, because this show means a lot to her...Julie, I have to concede to you that I really was afraid that she would hurt me physically for missing it. Maybe not through what was shown in the video I picked (which, if anyone was curious, translates to \"instant hell murder\" from Japanese), but by something that feels awfully close to it.
Emotionally, I am in a vulnerable enough place right now that it takes very little for a worst-case scenario -- as far as consequences go -- to creep in regarding something that in my heart feels like something I \"should\" do but can\'t for some reason. It\'s recently been leading to nightmares like this one that are no longer making any sense to me as to why they\'re materializing the way that they are. Logically, I know it\'s unlikely that she\'d actually hunt me down because she lives a good 40-45 minutes away. Emotionally, the pain that I\'m feeling from trying to talk out my myriad of issues with my therapist is really leaving my defenses, or what\'s left of them, down, and it feels at the moment like my underlying fears are being amplified...I really don\'t know how else I can put it that would sound like English to anyone.