this is just 2 hard

they say im going backwards.  i dont feel like ive moved.  i still can't bleive it.  it still hasnt sunk in.  i know it.  im hurting but it still sorta feels like a nightmare that i might wake up from.  this is nt where i thought my life would b.  this is crazy.  i know God loves me, but i kinda feel like he hates me 2 for allowing this 2 hapoen.  so im trusting him w/certain stuff & other stuff im just trying to get through.  what do they expect from me.  this is nt a small thing.  the center of my life is destroyed.  i guess what im supposed 2 get is that God was supposed 2 b the center of my life, but in the meantime how do i deal with the fact that my life is destroyed.  i cant just switch from husband and fam 2 God.  im ok.  Fuck them all.  im dealing the best way i can.  i dont have to be devoid of emotion.  i dont have 2act like everythings fine.  i have 2 obey God.  even when i dont want 2.  & the rest im just tryin 2 get along w/myself.  im trying 2 heal & 4give.  i guess.  im nt trying 2 move on.  i dont wanna 4get.  I DONT TRUST HIM.  and i dont wanna 4get and expose myself 2 this person i do not trust.  God's telling me 2stay he's nt telling me 2 4give.  so thats at my discression.  i guess ill just have 2 wait.  maybe hell prove 2 me that he can b trusted. that hes sorry.  that he loves me.  or not & maybe ill b ok with that.  i am ok with just how im dealing with this.  those who think im not progressing fast enuf.  they can suck it