This is it, the beginning to my end

This is the "beginning of my end for me". Today I purchased my last gram and shared it with my mom. I reminded her that this was my last time spending my money on it so after this to not ask me to make any phone calls, loan you any money or let me see you high and having a good time feeling it.  I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't scared to go thru all this. But I am. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to handle my anger or depression. It's just gonna be so easy for me to fail. With my grandma always pissing me off and getting me mad is one reason. The moment of having to say goodbye to my daughter and watching her leave until she's gone out of my sight is the reason for my depression. Nothing else doesn't cause me any negative emotions. I use to lose my temper all the time so easily. But I worked on that. And every time I felt myself wanting to explode with frustration and madness, I would slow my breathing down and remember I'm trying to not lose my patience and what ever it was it couldn't be that big of a deal to make me blow steam out of my butt and ears. And honestly, that has worked some for me. I might lay my head in my hands with my eyes closed for a quick minute but that's it. And I will admit, I am proud of myself for that. Maybe I should start with my sobriety there at "having patients". Because like I said, it's my anger and depression that makes me want to use. And in all reality,  what's the first thing a addict does when they're mad or sad?       We use.   Even happiness like a celebration is a reason for us to use. I never have to worry about boredom because I am the kind of person who needs to stay busy.I just can't sit on my ass all day doing nothing. Even when I'm using I still got to entertain myself somehow. I'm not working right now so gardening, cooking and going for long walks with one big dog and four Chihuahuas is keeping myself active. The dogs like it too !   I always known before that I needed to learn what are my coping skills. And that is still something that I should take seriously because Ima need it in about 2 days the most because that's when ill be done with my drug of choice. I need to learn how to value myself instead of feeling sorry for myself during my time of depression. Like instead of hurting when seeing my daughter leave. Like, maybe think to myself that every time she's leaves its just one more day closer to getting her back. And then thinking I really want the days to go by fast because ill be getting her back in October! So yea that's what it is !!!! I need to learn how to "turn all my negatives into positive". And I know once I get that one day sober, seriously, just one whole day sober then ill feel happy about myself for accomplishing that and will want to keep doing well. That one day is enough to make me happy and push me to keep trying and notrr give up. Journi will be counting on me. So if my baby Journi is counting on me to do this,... it's because she needs me to succeed. She needs me to succeed so this can be over. And when this is over in October then,,  by then,,,  my baby will be living under the same roof as me. And with that being said, my hopes and dreams, my faith, my most deepest desire and all my wishes and prayers have came true. All   my   prayers   have   come   true. Brings my tears to my eyes right now as I speak.    I think I'm jumping to far ahead of myself right now anyway, I should slow my role down.  I some what figured it out how to kinda work with my depression triggers. Now I must start to figure out how I must go about dealing with my anger issues. One step at a time. It shouldn't be that complicated to figure it out tho.  You know, just the thought of my sober date getting closer is starting to cause me a little bit of anxiety. Maybe I should stop thinking about it so much rite now and quit while I'm still somewhat ahead. Hopefully. Maybe. Wouldn't hurt to try.