This is how it is. . .
Weekend was OK. managed to distract myself on Saturday with gardening and a tricky tray auction. Was able to keep busy all day, so no time to dwell on other things. Sunday was a different story.
The weather turned really gloomy here and got much colder. DH was supposed to visit his BFF's new baby on Friday when he had off from work, he put it off and ended up going on Sunday. I was hoping that he would go when I was out shopping, but he waited until late afternoon. I talked to him about how horrible I had been feeling lately; that it had been exactly 5 months since our angel went to heaven and that it was also the day I was supposed to have been 7 months pregnant. He said that he understood that I was sad and that it was OK. I said that there was no way I was going to see the new baby, and again he said he understood why I wanted nothing to do with the situation. I told him that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, that I knew that he was hurting too, and that I knew he was still a little uncomfortable about going to see the baby. He said he was fine, that it was a "little weird" but that he wanted to be a good friend. He said that he only wanted to stay a hour because he was tired and really didn't want to go, I said OK and he left.
The whole time he was gone I kept thinking about where he was, that he was holding their new baby that he would never hold ours. I kept thinking about how he was playing with their 4 year old and their newborn, but that he would never play with our child. I was a total mess, I just kept thinking about how unfair it was, and I was angry that their baby got his love and attention when he shows so little emotion for our angel. I stress ate, and that made me feel more guilty and angry at myself. He stayed for over 2 hours and I was really angry that their children got so much of his time; I feel so stupid because I am jealous and angry at a child, it seems so ridiculous and wrong. When he gor back he seemed drained and didn;t mention anything about it at all; the rest of the night was spent watching a movie in awkward silence.
I think about how it's been 5 months already; in some ways it feels like only 5 days ago the whole in my heart is still so gaping and raw; and in other ways it feels like 5 years ago, I can barely remember a time when I felt some semblance of normalcy. I think about how I should have been 7 months pregnant; that I should have been anxiously awaiting my maternity leave. Instead I am praying this place hires me soon so I can have health insurance and stability again. In so many ways I feel lilek I NEED to be able to TTC again. That this is the only way that I will feel some closure, some normalcy, some hope. I don't know what I will do if they do not hire me in 3 weeks as they have eluded to; I don't know what I will do if they say I have to continue to wait for medical coverage. It feels like I am in limbo.
So this is how it is now. I have days where I can push they bad feelings away for awhile, where I can almost forget. Then I have days where the pain and anger are so raw, so fresh, like it all happened yesterday. I wish I could change this pattern, I wish I could feel like me again.
The weather turned really gloomy here and got much colder. DH was supposed to visit his BFF's new baby on Friday when he had off from work, he put it off and ended up going on Sunday. I was hoping that he would go when I was out shopping, but he waited until late afternoon. I talked to him about how horrible I had been feeling lately; that it had been exactly 5 months since our angel went to heaven and that it was also the day I was supposed to have been 7 months pregnant. He said that he understood that I was sad and that it was OK. I said that there was no way I was going to see the new baby, and again he said he understood why I wanted nothing to do with the situation. I told him that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, that I knew that he was hurting too, and that I knew he was still a little uncomfortable about going to see the baby. He said he was fine, that it was a "little weird" but that he wanted to be a good friend. He said that he only wanted to stay a hour because he was tired and really didn't want to go, I said OK and he left.
The whole time he was gone I kept thinking about where he was, that he was holding their new baby that he would never hold ours. I kept thinking about how he was playing with their 4 year old and their newborn, but that he would never play with our child. I was a total mess, I just kept thinking about how unfair it was, and I was angry that their baby got his love and attention when he shows so little emotion for our angel. I stress ate, and that made me feel more guilty and angry at myself. He stayed for over 2 hours and I was really angry that their children got so much of his time; I feel so stupid because I am jealous and angry at a child, it seems so ridiculous and wrong. When he gor back he seemed drained and didn;t mention anything about it at all; the rest of the night was spent watching a movie in awkward silence.
I think about how it's been 5 months already; in some ways it feels like only 5 days ago the whole in my heart is still so gaping and raw; and in other ways it feels like 5 years ago, I can barely remember a time when I felt some semblance of normalcy. I think about how I should have been 7 months pregnant; that I should have been anxiously awaiting my maternity leave. Instead I am praying this place hires me soon so I can have health insurance and stability again. In so many ways I feel lilek I NEED to be able to TTC again. That this is the only way that I will feel some closure, some normalcy, some hope. I don't know what I will do if they do not hire me in 3 weeks as they have eluded to; I don't know what I will do if they say I have to continue to wait for medical coverage. It feels like I am in limbo.
So this is how it is now. I have days where I can push they bad feelings away for awhile, where I can almost forget. Then I have days where the pain and anger are so raw, so fresh, like it all happened yesterday. I wish I could change this pattern, I wish I could feel like me again.
Replies
I\'m praying things get easier today, and that you do get hired.
Before my miscarriage and during 5 years of trying and getting nowhere, my husbands friends gave birth to 2 beautiful kids. I\'d avoid going there purely because it was too painful. It was also too painful when he came home and told me about his day, playing with the kids, changing baby\'s nappy, telling me how cute she is, what she was doing, how he made her laugh....
One day I told him how totally tactless he was being and I understand your pain. I just couldn\'t bear to hear these stories and know that he really couldn\'t care less whether I conceived again or not.
I too feel like i\'ve been living in limbo since my mc. I feel like I\'m in the middle and everyone else including my husband is continuing on with life and I\'m stationary. Not moving, just watching and unable to move forward.
I hope you get hired soon and are able to start TTC\'ing again. I understand what you mean by getting some closure. It\'s exactly the same for me.
xx
So sorry Sunday was so tough - I know it\'s unreasonable to want the whole world to be devoid of babies and pregnant women, but it would help for a while wouldn\'t it? i think my husband and I are both in the same limbo you\'re both feeling too, but for some reason the baby thing doesn\'t get to them in quite the same way. It obviously doesn\'t mean they\'re not hurting too, they just seem to have an ability to separate things out more ... I wish I had that!
I understand that feeling of wanting to be you again so well - I have a strong feeling that I need to be doing more to make that happen, I just lack the strength, energy and inspiration to do it. I think I\'m still in bubble mode. I know you have to make effort and all but it\'s just so tiresome. I do remember feeling this way in previous periods of my life and know it\'s a form of depression. medication might help with with the TTC? I also know that time does too though - crappy and hollow as that sounds. You have a goal Platypus and you\'re working towards it. You haven\'t just given up and stayed home like I have, You\'re working hard in your job and applying for others, you have a plan and you are moving forward. You know what you want to happen and you aren\'t just sitting back counting what you\'ve lost, you are looking towards a future that you know will make you happy. You haven\'t given up and that\'s a big step in getting better so don\'t be too hard on yourself - you are still you. Just a sad, and waiting for what\'s fair in life version of you and one that will be happy again, just as soon as your ducks start to line up. It wont be too long now and that health insurance will be there to help you along that road you know you want to be on.
Platypus, my husband and I had been in a rut until recently. We had been waiting, hoping for this to happen, I\'ve created deadlines and timeframes which created more stress. I agree with abi, focus on your goal and what you\'d like to have not what you don\'t have. My new doctor told me that stress will not help me conceive so go out there and do what it is you enjoy doing to make you feel you. Acknowledge this time and start taking small steps to gaining yourself again. Hugs and Love your way.
Hey there hon....been away for a bit and catching up.....sorry you\'re going through a rough patch. I agree with Abi and some of the others - guys just seem to have a different way of separating the pain/loss out. Wish I could do it too. Know how you feel though about the jealously, guilt, anger....while we were away for the weekend as a music festival, I caught my DH looking at some of the adorable babies that we seemed to be surrounded by - in carriages, smiling, laughing, so cute. It just broke my heart to think that it should be OUR child that he looks at that way. We just have to believe that it will be - one day. Maybe not right now - but one day :) Here\'s to hoping your insurance/job comes through and you\'ll get back on track. I know it!
Wishing you some sunshine and BIG hugs,
Meagan