This is how it is. . .
Weekend was OK. managed to distract myself on Saturday with gardening and a tricky tray auction. Was able to keep busy all day, so no time to dwell on other things. Sunday was a different story.
The weather turned really gloomy here and got much colder. DH was supposed to visit his BFF's new baby on Friday when he had off from work, he put it off and ended up going on Sunday. I was hoping that he would go when I was out shopping, but he waited until late afternoon. I talked to him about how horrible I had been feeling lately; that it had been exactly 5 months since our angel went to heaven and that it was also the day I was supposed to have been 7 months pregnant. He said that he understood that I was sad and that it was OK. I said that there was no way I was going to see the new baby, and again he said he understood why I wanted nothing to do with the situation. I told him that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, that I knew that he was hurting too, and that I knew he was still a little uncomfortable about going to see the baby. He said he was fine, that it was a "little weird" but that he wanted to be a good friend. He said that he only wanted to stay a hour because he was tired and really didn't want to go, I said OK and he left.
The whole time he was gone I kept thinking about where he was, that he was holding their new baby that he would never hold ours. I kept thinking about how he was playing with their 4 year old and their newborn, but that he would never play with our child. I was a total mess, I just kept thinking about how unfair it was, and I was angry that their baby got his love and attention when he shows so little emotion for our angel. I stress ate, and that made me feel more guilty and angry at myself. He stayed for over 2 hours and I was really angry that their children got so much of his time; I feel so stupid because I am jealous and angry at a child, it seems so ridiculous and wrong. When he gor back he seemed drained and didn;t mention anything about it at all; the rest of the night was spent watching a movie in awkward silence.
I think about how it's been 5 months already; in some ways it feels like only 5 days ago the whole in my heart is still so gaping and raw; and in other ways it feels like 5 years ago, I can barely remember a time when I felt some semblance of normalcy. I think about how I should have been 7 months pregnant; that I should have been anxiously awaiting my maternity leave. Instead I am praying this place hires me soon so I can have health insurance and stability again. In so many ways I feel lilek I NEED to be able to TTC again. That this is the only way that I will feel some closure, some normalcy, some hope. I don't know what I will do if they do not hire me in 3 weeks as they have eluded to; I don't know what I will do if they say I have to continue to wait for medical coverage. It feels like I am in limbo.
So this is how it is now. I have days where I can push they bad feelings away for awhile, where I can almost forget. Then I have days where the pain and anger are so raw, so fresh, like it all happened yesterday. I wish I could change this pattern, I wish I could feel like me again.
The weather turned really gloomy here and got much colder. DH was supposed to visit his BFF's new baby on Friday when he had off from work, he put it off and ended up going on Sunday. I was hoping that he would go when I was out shopping, but he waited until late afternoon. I talked to him about how horrible I had been feeling lately; that it had been exactly 5 months since our angel went to heaven and that it was also the day I was supposed to have been 7 months pregnant. He said that he understood that I was sad and that it was OK. I said that there was no way I was going to see the new baby, and again he said he understood why I wanted nothing to do with the situation. I told him that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to, that I knew that he was hurting too, and that I knew he was still a little uncomfortable about going to see the baby. He said he was fine, that it was a "little weird" but that he wanted to be a good friend. He said that he only wanted to stay a hour because he was tired and really didn't want to go, I said OK and he left.
The whole time he was gone I kept thinking about where he was, that he was holding their new baby that he would never hold ours. I kept thinking about how he was playing with their 4 year old and their newborn, but that he would never play with our child. I was a total mess, I just kept thinking about how unfair it was, and I was angry that their baby got his love and attention when he shows so little emotion for our angel. I stress ate, and that made me feel more guilty and angry at myself. He stayed for over 2 hours and I was really angry that their children got so much of his time; I feel so stupid because I am jealous and angry at a child, it seems so ridiculous and wrong. When he gor back he seemed drained and didn;t mention anything about it at all; the rest of the night was spent watching a movie in awkward silence.
I think about how it's been 5 months already; in some ways it feels like only 5 days ago the whole in my heart is still so gaping and raw; and in other ways it feels like 5 years ago, I can barely remember a time when I felt some semblance of normalcy. I think about how I should have been 7 months pregnant; that I should have been anxiously awaiting my maternity leave. Instead I am praying this place hires me soon so I can have health insurance and stability again. In so many ways I feel lilek I NEED to be able to TTC again. That this is the only way that I will feel some closure, some normalcy, some hope. I don't know what I will do if they do not hire me in 3 weeks as they have eluded to; I don't know what I will do if they say I have to continue to wait for medical coverage. It feels like I am in limbo.
So this is how it is now. I have days where I can push they bad feelings away for awhile, where I can almost forget. Then I have days where the pain and anger are so raw, so fresh, like it all happened yesterday. I wish I could change this pattern, I wish I could feel like me again.
Replies