This is hard

It's been up and down emotionally.. I couldnt get out of bed.. I couldnt sleep.. I just dont want to do this anymore. My life went from absolutely perfect with the best boyfriend ever to painful in a matter of hours after the accident. Everything just seems so purposeless without him. Its been over a month and a half and I feel like the feelings are just getting worse. My heart is constantly heavy.. Trying to hold it together at work is difficult. My birthday is next week and I just feel so lost. We were supposed to leave for vacation today. I just cant seem to hold it together anymore. I am just going through the motions, trying to pretend to be ok.. Im not. I lay in bed and cry all day until I have to get up and go to work. My roommates planned a trip to get away for the weekend and I cancelled because I just cant fathom pretending to have fun. I feel so guilty and I miss him so much. This is so unfair.