This is getting very scary
Dear DS diary,
I realize that the last few nights I have let some hugs, journal entries, and messages slip by. Life has gotten in the way this week; I had a problem with leaking pipes underneath the kitchen sink. While no serious damage was done, it did lead to a sizable amount of rotting pipe being replaced, the process of which threw things off considerably this week.
Which really has been a shame, because I know I've needed to be here. I'm starting to get really scared about how things are progressing. Because now, in addition to the inner feelings of anger I have (previous entry or maybe two entries ago?), I'm panicking about seeing my new counselor tomorrow, who I was referred to by my psychologist. It's an automatic reaction of panic because I haven't formally seen him, and while logically I know it's extremely unlikely that he is going to hurt me -- if it's even likely at all -- emotionally all bets are off...and honestly, I hate myself as a person because the number of regrets I have from being steered -- which was a direct result of me feeling so worried and unsafe that I literally could not make my own decisions for years -- seems uncountable at times.
It's small wonder, then, that I haven't been able to sleep with any consistency for what has now been a month, and it has absolutely caught up with me. In fact, I've had broken sleep for long enough that today I felt like I was sleepwalking. I felt so bad when I crawled out of bed that I couldn't hold down my breakfast (and yet, I still need to have this extracurricular activity in the toilet just to clear my head). I spazzed out several times with my pet cockatiel on my knee, although this part wasn't so bad because she likes that -- we then sleep together, usually -- and nothing of note was taking place today from about late morning on. Then came the kicker: I tried to take a nap before dinner, which is usually something I can wake up from normally....but today, it felt like I effectively passed out. I was gone, out cold, good night, whatever you want to call it. My dad had to yell up, and loudly, to wake me up.
Tonight I will probably sleep -- in fact probably as soon as I'm done typing this -- because I am just so mentally exhausted from not sleeping well with all my worries. It's feeling like my lifetime is piling up, and I really don't know what to do.
I wish I had more Skype friends because I think the exposure might help me a little, but at the same time I really feel like I can't just toss a rod into the water and hope a fish bites because my trust in people is...bad. I can probably count the number of people I'm comfortable with on one hand, and they're basically all here.
It just makes me want to cry. :'(
I realize that the last few nights I have let some hugs, journal entries, and messages slip by. Life has gotten in the way this week; I had a problem with leaking pipes underneath the kitchen sink. While no serious damage was done, it did lead to a sizable amount of rotting pipe being replaced, the process of which threw things off considerably this week.
Which really has been a shame, because I know I've needed to be here. I'm starting to get really scared about how things are progressing. Because now, in addition to the inner feelings of anger I have (previous entry or maybe two entries ago?), I'm panicking about seeing my new counselor tomorrow, who I was referred to by my psychologist. It's an automatic reaction of panic because I haven't formally seen him, and while logically I know it's extremely unlikely that he is going to hurt me -- if it's even likely at all -- emotionally all bets are off...and honestly, I hate myself as a person because the number of regrets I have from being steered -- which was a direct result of me feeling so worried and unsafe that I literally could not make my own decisions for years -- seems uncountable at times.
It's small wonder, then, that I haven't been able to sleep with any consistency for what has now been a month, and it has absolutely caught up with me. In fact, I've had broken sleep for long enough that today I felt like I was sleepwalking. I felt so bad when I crawled out of bed that I couldn't hold down my breakfast (and yet, I still need to have this extracurricular activity in the toilet just to clear my head). I spazzed out several times with my pet cockatiel on my knee, although this part wasn't so bad because she likes that -- we then sleep together, usually -- and nothing of note was taking place today from about late morning on. Then came the kicker: I tried to take a nap before dinner, which is usually something I can wake up from normally....but today, it felt like I effectively passed out. I was gone, out cold, good night, whatever you want to call it. My dad had to yell up, and loudly, to wake me up.
Tonight I will probably sleep -- in fact probably as soon as I'm done typing this -- because I am just so mentally exhausted from not sleeping well with all my worries. It's feeling like my lifetime is piling up, and I really don't know what to do.
I wish I had more Skype friends because I think the exposure might help me a little, but at the same time I really feel like I can't just toss a rod into the water and hope a fish bites because my trust in people is...bad. I can probably count the number of people I'm comfortable with on one hand, and they're basically all here.
It just makes me want to cry. :'(
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