This is basically what went wrong
The following is a collection of the major problems that I have which helped contribute to kiboshing of my birthday party on Thursday. They have been building up for a long time and anything that might offer a clue on just one of these would be a big help.
I wish...
...I really understood what an accomplishment is. To me, it has to be a big thing. How do the little things fit in to all this?
...I knew how to see that the little things matter. I haven't done anything with my paralegal degree yet, and applying for a position could be viewed as a step forward, but how? Doesn't the bigger goal seem to matter more?
...I wasn't so afraid of people. Logically, I know that most people are not out to hurt, but emotionally, the instant reaction is fear. I can't even engage in conversation with my colleagues at work anymore, because I fear that I will be ridiculed if I do. I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
(For those unfamiliar, in high school I had to endure a smoke bombing in which I was escorted to get my things after the fact and had the unfortunate moment of my eyes falling on the device that went off. Then as a senior at the same school I was rumored to be the hog-tie target in a scavenger hunt, since I hadn't taken part in any pranks (I fortunately wasn't). My sense of safety ever since has been shattered.)
...I knew how to find reasons to celebrate. I get that I am living and breathing and all these other things, but they just feel like they're so...lame. Like they have no value. Like I really don't have any good value in me except to essentially be what amounts to a worker for the sake of other people.
I wish...
...I really understood what an accomplishment is. To me, it has to be a big thing. How do the little things fit in to all this?
...I knew how to see that the little things matter. I haven't done anything with my paralegal degree yet, and applying for a position could be viewed as a step forward, but how? Doesn't the bigger goal seem to matter more?
...I wasn't so afraid of people. Logically, I know that most people are not out to hurt, but emotionally, the instant reaction is fear. I can't even engage in conversation with my colleagues at work anymore, because I fear that I will be ridiculed if I do. I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
(For those unfamiliar, in high school I had to endure a smoke bombing in which I was escorted to get my things after the fact and had the unfortunate moment of my eyes falling on the device that went off. Then as a senior at the same school I was rumored to be the hog-tie target in a scavenger hunt, since I hadn't taken part in any pranks (I fortunately wasn't). My sense of safety ever since has been shattered.)
...I knew how to find reasons to celebrate. I get that I am living and breathing and all these other things, but they just feel like they're so...lame. Like they have no value. Like I really don't have any good value in me except to essentially be what amounts to a worker for the sake of other people.
Replies
Hi David!
Do you feel that you are a pessimist? And I see this in you because your feelings have been hurt, and with the incidents at school, you have tragic pain and shamefull hurt by what others have done. I would feel the same way under the circumstances. A pessimist would most likely not have very much interest or enthusiasm for birthdays or any special events, and especially the ones involving people. Pessimist usually have negative thoughts and patterns of thought that encourage lack of trust in people and the actions of others seem artificial and meaningless, somewhat the way you feel about gifts/presents, as you refer to them as tokens things and not exactly as treasured gifts (pessimist would refer to gifts in this negative way, because of lack of trust in people).
You ask for a clue to help you better understand these events, and my way is to help you see how this long time arrangement of major problems have transformed those positive feelings in you to negative ones:
I recommend this: Go online and search for the term pessimist. And from there follow the references and other links provided as a research guide to other facets of pessimistic behavior. With this, you have a very good start to understanding your setbacksand how this influences your life.
I know that by understanding this trait (pessimist) you will have the power to be optimistic. And being optimistic will improve your attitude about people, especially where you\'ve experiences a lack of trust and hurt feelings. This will boost your self-confidence in yourself as well. I hope that changing your views will also allow you to open up to new goals and work opportunities, because you\'ve done so well to educate yourself and gain that on-the-job experience, which is very useful. You have good skills, David, only you don\'t yet fully understand the value of your talents because disappointment in others have minimized your self-esteem and perspective on life. I hope that you can sense what I mean.
Please send me a hugbook message when you journal again and thanks for writing.
Ambi