this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. FUCK

This is much harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy and no problem to just go ahead and eat more, but it's not. It's fucking hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy. I thought I could easily do it and there would be no problem. WRONG. I am so uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. After each meal the emotions come streaming out. I have been more agitated by people. Everyone and everything agitates me. After meals today (minus breakfast because that was pretty normal) I started shaking. Then I would cry- I don't know why, it sounds pathetic but it just happened. Then the anxiety would raise and my heart would start beating so fast it feels like it's going to pop out of my chest.

I have cried so many times today. It's so much harder than I thought. Yesterday when I agreed to do this I felt like it was going to be no problem at all. I felt that the only thing I would be paranoid about was the number on the scale. I almost don't give a fuck about that number right now because I am hurting so bad and so miserable emotionally and physically. Why am I like this?!?!!? I have to do this so I don't lose everyone, but it's physically and emotionally harder than anything I have done before.

And I end this in more tears.