This is a long collection of thoughts

I'm grateful for my growth and I am trying to stay regulated going forward

Notes from last weekend's trip:

it's weird how i just keep going. I am grateful for my stamina and ability.

If I were to focus on the fatigue I feel right now, it would make me stop and linger....

but I can and need to just push on- and rest when it's time for bed.

Writing a journal helps nourish me along the way. Though I wonder

if writing these things is about pride in myself - I do want to share about things.
I don't want to be alone with it what I've learned because I do feel proud of where

I am going in my life, directed by these thoughts and also remaining communicative is my nature.

New York was amazing. My sister is well as is my niece. So good to see them.

The meeting with the priest there was great

but he said 'the elder' who I've told you all about has a very bad reputation and was actually

asked to leave his monastery in Greece some time ago. This none of us knew before I came

here. I do love the people here at the monastery so much but for the times when I have to deal with him.

It's complicated but maybe that's life. There's no nirvana. My impulse to move

to yet another new place had me asking my therapist 'how crazy was this habit of mine?'

She said "Not to worry, people do move around some in life...finding a better place that's

on the horizon is kind of human nature" - Even so, I finally love my community here

but again the place I live in is experiencing some terrible crisis right now that may make

the whole place defunct it seems.

Anyways - I thought about a lot of things since yesterday.

how I keep going - how I take care of myself -

and how my appetite affects me - or puts me in a position of

making choices. It would be nice to live at my appetite's whim - but I cannot -

and it's (that clear struggle for all of us) made me appreciate more sensible things for myself

while still living a fulfilling life. It put me in touch

with living on a financial plan like I did in my 20s - it's necessary and it feels right

once again! Psyched! I feel healthy and stable - not quite robotic but definitely in

a coasting zone - taking care of my responsibilities here at the monastery and my own life too.

I think I need, for health reasons and maintenance, to listen to my body at times - but

modern life tends to need the brain on - 24/7 :)

I wrote this last night - I am sure everybody thinks about this stuff - so perhaps it's just me feeling good that I am taking care.

I was thinking about the responsibility of keeping my loved one if I had one "in all the different kinds of experiences and necessities they would "like to have and need" to have.....

in both their daily living and survival, within reason, to keep life going. Sorry for the run on sentence.

I was listening to the girls next to me chat on the train and it just made me think how we’re all kind of sharing this ride of survival and going about the same chat things and sessions about these life experiences and elements - almost in a dream - as we're all so focused on survival too..

In the pursuit of survival we all make our playpen for survival, anyways - it felt a bit of a kabuki theater on the train hearing them - it just made me kind of cement the idea in my head that if I were to provide for myself or for someone else, which I have to, I would check out my habits in my habitual expenses, and create a budget and an income flow that would determine that budget structure. It would and will provide for that kind of life experiential and retail therapy that I keep, to keep myself or themselves happy and contented and nourished - safe.

In a world that is at times very rough and unsure there would be with this a structure to keep them or myself from touching the principal investment - but the trade off would to always have a basic income. A humble regiment to keep on keeping on.

So safe and protected would I be with the balancing value that working to keep this all going is essential for practical and spiritual health! I need good projects to keep on top of being healthy and protected - Just some personal philosophy about how I'd take care of things, if I were not a monkpriest.

I think that from that point on 'of thinking about that philosophy and then thinking I have to provide that for myself,' I also realized that my life, because I don’t have children, because I don't have a partner, is really about my own experience, I put myself in servitude of others - but I realize I have to be in my own corner - and serve my own survival - which is totally legitimate and honorable. Providing myself for my experience in life is how I will focus and serve, but I love love love, providing for other people’s experience as well like for Blue or like 'a cause' (that I don’t know of yet) or just my friends and family. One therapist noticed I focus on the suffering of other people.

In the spirit of realizing the beauty of providing for others' experiences - I thought that I don’t wanna just think about this suffering. I wanna really give the people I love like Blue, like my Dad or family a great life. So sometimes I wanna give myself a great life and sometimes I wanna give others a great life.

In that same spirit I was listening to the radio broadcast on the Uber home

and there was a person being interviewed who talked about their experience playing the trombone. I could appreciate it so much more - it intrigued me and - it was really wonderful. It made me able to relate better because I was thinking about my own experiences - I could go there to the depth of this musician's experiences and personal drivers

...again as I was appreciating my own experience and how I provide for my wants or needs. I thought it’s completely legitimate and OK to provide for myself. It’s a part of life. I don’t just need to be 'a provider', for some reason I have this really conservative side that says I ought not think about my own experience or I did have that with all this understainding it's going away now -

I definitely wanna get back to creating a budget for myself and an income stream - so that enough savings goes away each week, but along the way, providing myself with the things that I like as well. I can do that.

Living within my budget and my appetite generally is what I am aiming for - a.k.a regulated. Again I can't set my appetite free all the time. but I can provide myself the income and savings to live in the playpen

best I can, keeping myself well exercised:).

These ideas set a boundary for me today between me and the sisters - but I realized too the importance of submitting my personality for the good service

need for the moment with them - for the dynamic of relationship and work at hand.

A good point of wisdom the priest said yesterday:

"The decisions you make today, will make you in your tomorrow"

I don’t know why I have to write all this stuff. It’s like I must create it yet it is painful and depressing.

I must remember to direct my life in life -

I think I mentioned the concept learned in that I saw a Barbara Corcoran interview

and she said "You really need someone in your corner when you're young in order to be successful"

I agree with her - and so I am declaring "I am definitely in my own corner now." Keeping myself coached and regulated.

There's a mix of emotions for me writing this and partaking in the days activities but I recognize I can't feel good all the time - and so I just have to adjust - and nod to that experience - and

just focus and do a good job - I can do that here with the services. Keep on keeping on.

Again this reevaluation of living at this monastery and the possible life change yet again -

t's like I face a new future - a new fight - and I am tired of this kind of running it almost feels like.

My therapist again said 'it's human nature' to move around.

Just reviewing this thought, I noticed yesterday that I seem to go from place to place....... a place of living somewhere until it isn't right

for me anymore, maybe like finding something about it that I don’t like and so rejecting it and moving onto the next.

It's not a good pattern but the adventure of it - and the reality of it - may be a great deal about life or my life

and how I deal with things. Again she said it's not uncommon.

I want to consciously evaluate the choices I make today will affect the choices I have and make tomorrow.

I need attachment - I need community - I am feeling very mixed at times- after the meeting

in Southampton - here at St. Nina's now, I need to get back into the swing of things.

And so I have.

Also I have a colonoscopy on Thursday morning - so I have the next few days of dieting and purging.

Maybe that's what's inspiring the evaluation?

Ultimately the trip taught me that I have abilities and can and will regulate my life to a good extent - to keep from getting

unhealthy or very sick again and financially managing.

Also a good point of wisdom the priest said yesterday:

"The decisions you make today, will make 'you' in your tomorrow"

It was really helpful and inspiring.