This hurts to talk out...
I had another difficult night under the covers last night.
See, about a month ago, just before spring finals, I had a discussion with one of my professors about how I felt I needed a mentor. She did say that she would help me in the process of finding one if I wanted it.
The problem is, this near-month has passed by since, and I still haven't been able to talk myself into getting one. There's this voice in my heart; it's telling me that it would just be another person who would be out to get me, because that's what experience has taught me. It's been this way for every opportunity I've had to get help with the exception of here at DS, and it's very obvious now that the fact that I don't truly see who it is I talk to here is behind that.
The realization I'm getting from this hurts: Technically, I suppose it's still possible that I could be happy one day. But the demons that haunt me are effectively here to stay for the rest of my life; I will probably never know what it's like to be truly free of them. It is at the point they are no longer for protection; they are acting as stoppers now, popping up when it's convenient for them to do so. No amount of journaling or counseling can reverse that.
It could be time for me to face a painful reality that for all intents and purposes I may as well be the equivalent of a mad genius: Intelligent if I can ever convince myself that I am, but in all other respects a recluse. This is not how I feel things would turn out for me and it is small wonder that I haven't slept well for a week as a result; it's proving to be very difficult to accept.
See, about a month ago, just before spring finals, I had a discussion with one of my professors about how I felt I needed a mentor. She did say that she would help me in the process of finding one if I wanted it.
The problem is, this near-month has passed by since, and I still haven't been able to talk myself into getting one. There's this voice in my heart; it's telling me that it would just be another person who would be out to get me, because that's what experience has taught me. It's been this way for every opportunity I've had to get help with the exception of here at DS, and it's very obvious now that the fact that I don't truly see who it is I talk to here is behind that.
The realization I'm getting from this hurts: Technically, I suppose it's still possible that I could be happy one day. But the demons that haunt me are effectively here to stay for the rest of my life; I will probably never know what it's like to be truly free of them. It is at the point they are no longer for protection; they are acting as stoppers now, popping up when it's convenient for them to do so. No amount of journaling or counseling can reverse that.
It could be time for me to face a painful reality that for all intents and purposes I may as well be the equivalent of a mad genius: Intelligent if I can ever convince myself that I am, but in all other respects a recluse. This is not how I feel things would turn out for me and it is small wonder that I haven't slept well for a week as a result; it's proving to be very difficult to accept.
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