This has consumed me......

This has consumed me… every single second, every moment…… and every moment I am not at work… it was in my face at home… if u think that….. for one moment he wasn’t in my face.. u would be wrong…After the kids went to bed… was the worst…. Cause then he was in my face…   I was blamed, yelled at, accusedbut then some nights… he would be nice and I was expected to just be loving again… do know how crazy that makes u feel as a person?do u know how that feels… to know every second I am not here at work… I would have to deal with my mess at home, and no one understood…..   It wasn’t every other day.. it wasn’t every other week… it was everyday…. I couldn’t get away… I couldn’t run from that….. still cant… So yes it did/does consume me… that… I will take blame for…. That is my fault…and for the first time in my life….. I am not trying to make someone happy,I am trying to make myself happy again… Is that so bad?  and .. I didn’t give in and didn’t do what was expected of me… and people didn’t/don’t know how to take that…… so they automately think “something is up or there must be someone else”     when really…truthfully... I just got sick of being ….A nobody, and sick of just…. being there, being expected to be there, and being walked all over.  I was sick of being ashamed… of letting him get away with it…  I am/was trying to start living a life without the drama… trying to not let it consume me…every second of everyday……      I want people to know… I know ....what its like to be beaten down…. I have been there... I know what spot u are in right now.. I know the hopelessness u feel right now.. the feeling inside ur chest...  thats the thing with this.... whole thing.. Until u give in and see.. what ur heart knows....until u try .....to like I said…. to find that strength inside urself, and know really and truly u cannot make him want this, and u cannot make him change....  nothing will change....  u have to get strong inside... and clear ur mind of the pain.... and really step back and look at the situation.  I am not gonna tell u .... that it will work.. not gonna tell u it will help ur relationship,   but it will help u... as a person... as a mom...as a daughter, a sister, as a friend  how long has it been since u can say u feel good because u really know inside ur working on u.. and not worrying about him...?   U will go through stages in this whole process..... u will go through the crying, blaming, wanting to forgive stage.... and I wish it weren’t true and i wish it didn’t happen.. .... but it will happen again.. and u will fall again....  until u ... until U as the person, until u reach that point.. that u say enough is enough..  and I want more for my kids, I want more as a spouse, I want more for ME..  until U step out of ur comfort zone, until u stop trying to mold him.....into something he isnt ready for  Its not gonna work... Until he hits his bottom .. What his bottom is... I dont know...  What my bottom is..  I still dont know.. but what I do know .. and what I am still working on... is me...   When I started this...... I wanted to believe, I cried, I felt like I was cutting my heart out.. I felt worthless.. why me.. and I wanted to give in...   but then.. I stood in front of my mirror I looked in the mirror, really looked at me... and saw how sad I was..and how much he really drained me, and how much I didnt even know who I was anymore, How lost I .. as a wife, woman and mom was.. How lost Missy was…. And hell I didn’t even know who I was anymore…..how I didnt even feel like a person anymore.. I just felt.. nothing but sadness...  and then I looked at my kids.. and I knew they heard... all the fights, all the accusations, how much I didnt want them to think this was normal, how much I didnt want them to be weak like me.. and how I didnt want them to think it was ok.. to stay in something where something not only treated u like u were worthless..  but to where u were disrespected every time he would do it again...   I know that feeling..  I am not gonna say I know what exactly ur going through.. BUT I do know THAT feeling ... I know what it feels like to feel alone.. and feel like no one understands...Then ...  after about a month of going through the grief, and the guilt, and the sadness...   I started to become angry... very angry angry at myself, for staying and putting up with it for so long... angry at my friends, for not understanding,  Angry at his friends... for not doing anything..  Angry at my parents.. for not wanting to get involved AND ANGRY at his parents.... cause they made him who he was, and did nothing to stop it, then or now.. I was alone alot, I didnt share much with anyone... cause I didnt want to trust anyone, didnt want to burden anyone with my problems...  and I searched and looked at me ... and thought about everything.... and started writing and opening up a little bit to a couple people, and it took some time...but slowly   I started to like myself again.. not only because I was proud of myself for staying strong... but proud of myself.. and for KNOWING for the first time in FOREVER..  I didnt need him to be ok..   I didnt need him..  I didnt want to put up with his shit anymore.. .. I could see that sparkle in my eyes a little bit.. I was starting to become proud of myself.... And then I saw... that I wasn’t gonna die without him... I am still here.. I am not ready to give up on the us.. we could be.... because I am not ready to give up fully.. I am not ready to give in.... that doesnt mean I am giving myself to him  if.. he doesnt ... fully change..BUT  then atleast ..If this doesnt work out......  I have me.. and I know i will be ok without him.... I am starting to be able to breathe again... and its the most amazing feeling in the world.