This day

I’m sitting here now wondering what went wrong. Sometimes a day just sucks just because, and I’m not one to give up, but, as I said before, that means I have to bear it and live through it. I wonder if because I have this conception of myself as “not a quitter” that I’ve become more complacent with my healing, since the threat of suicide isn’t oncthe horizon anymore. Maybe part of me has even settled, thinking “this is enough”. 

I feel deeply troubled and I’m not sure why. I’m unable to say it in words. I’ve been fighting all day for this happiness, for some kind of badge of “you did it, you made it”, but I just feel like nothing. I feel as if I work tirelessly on the daily yet recieve no reward but looking on to more to do. My brain doesn’t reward me. No endorphins are present. I just feel like a machine that works and works. And yes, I think it’s true that I’m the type that needs a goal or something to do with my hands to be happy. But this. This is getting out of hand.. 

So maybe I’ll try to get those endorphins flowing... 

I find that my mood is swinging easily these days. Maybe I’m PMSing! That would give an explanation. The unpredictability of my emotions feels like I’m constantly bargaining with a jenga tower, every action I do is nudging a brick, or putting one back. But I don’t know what will pull the wrong brick and bring my emotions crashing down. It leaves me scared and reluctant whenever I feel the start of anxiety. I’m living my life around this stupid mood-anxiety jenga tower. 

Okay, endorphins. 

I really have been fighting today. I refuse to give in to the urge to lie down and while away time. I tried to fill my time with productive activities, which, again there’s a fine line between doing it for myself and doing it because i feel like I have to. 

I’m refusing to let the negativity settle. I DID struggle today. I DID fight. I’m trying so hard. But I’m not doing it right, because I don’t feel right. I feel incredibly unsettled and I can’t identify the source. 

Maybe it’s because I keep thinking this is the first time I’ve broken down like this, or regressed into my past self. BUT PROGRESS IS NOT LINEAR. Sometimes, that happens, right?