This counseling is becoming both good and bad...
Dear DS diary,
I recognize that I have several messages, hugs, and journals to catch up with. I'm going to try to do that soon. But my mood is a little suspect tonight, and I don't want to make people upset by saying something that I didn't want to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am very cool with my psychotherapist right now. He's patient, he listens...he even let me pace the room last Friday -- in front of the couch in his office where I sit while working with him -- while I was trying to express myself. I absolutely need him.
He is doing a fantastic job putting the pieces together to understand why I feel the way that I tend to feel. In particular, he noted that by retriggering my bad memories of high school that have led to serious concerns about me feeling safe, those who executed the Boston Marathon bombings did exactly what they set out to do by putting me in a state of perpetual fear.
Being able to reach this point with him is a good thing, because in turn it points out to me just how unreasonably "off" my nightmares have been, since they have usually involved me hurting someone, or someone hurting me. The safety concerns have been there for longer than I have wanted to publicly admit (until now), because during that span when I was trying to look for accounting jobs (naively, and I'm still glad I got out of that profession), I blew up a whole bunch of interviews because of nightmares that I now realize were along that same vein.
But how do I work through these feelings of fear? The therapist hasn't forced a single thing; I have volunteered all of it. I'm starting to think that maybe I have volunteered too much, which was a distinct possibility because some of the stuff that has come out goes back 20 years...and I just became so much the master of hiding my emotions, fabulous really, that bringing this out to professionals at last is unleashing a level of internal hurt that I never knew existed.
And frankly...it's having an effect on me. I guess my heart got so desperate to start letting these things out -- it took a very long time to bring myself to do this -- that I just feel overwhelmed now regarding what to do about that. It gets worse: It's making things that should not be a big concern, like figuring out where my target heart range is for my workouts (@Summerwind81: I don't want to be a pain, but can we Skype about that this week?), and taking the next steps that I logically know my social worker is setting up for my own good, much, much harder than they need to be. It's almost like some of this underlying "minor" stuff needs to go away to show me a sign that maybe I can handle the bigger stuff.
(sigh)...what a mess...
I recognize that I have several messages, hugs, and journals to catch up with. I'm going to try to do that soon. But my mood is a little suspect tonight, and I don't want to make people upset by saying something that I didn't want to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am very cool with my psychotherapist right now. He's patient, he listens...he even let me pace the room last Friday -- in front of the couch in his office where I sit while working with him -- while I was trying to express myself. I absolutely need him.
He is doing a fantastic job putting the pieces together to understand why I feel the way that I tend to feel. In particular, he noted that by retriggering my bad memories of high school that have led to serious concerns about me feeling safe, those who executed the Boston Marathon bombings did exactly what they set out to do by putting me in a state of perpetual fear.
Being able to reach this point with him is a good thing, because in turn it points out to me just how unreasonably "off" my nightmares have been, since they have usually involved me hurting someone, or someone hurting me. The safety concerns have been there for longer than I have wanted to publicly admit (until now), because during that span when I was trying to look for accounting jobs (naively, and I'm still glad I got out of that profession), I blew up a whole bunch of interviews because of nightmares that I now realize were along that same vein.
But how do I work through these feelings of fear? The therapist hasn't forced a single thing; I have volunteered all of it. I'm starting to think that maybe I have volunteered too much, which was a distinct possibility because some of the stuff that has come out goes back 20 years...and I just became so much the master of hiding my emotions, fabulous really, that bringing this out to professionals at last is unleashing a level of internal hurt that I never knew existed.
And frankly...it's having an effect on me. I guess my heart got so desperate to start letting these things out -- it took a very long time to bring myself to do this -- that I just feel overwhelmed now regarding what to do about that. It gets worse: It's making things that should not be a big concern, like figuring out where my target heart range is for my workouts (@Summerwind81: I don't want to be a pain, but can we Skype about that this week?), and taking the next steps that I logically know my social worker is setting up for my own good, much, much harder than they need to be. It's almost like some of this underlying "minor" stuff needs to go away to show me a sign that maybe I can handle the bigger stuff.
(sigh)...what a mess...
Replies
You said \"I just became so much the master of hiding my emotions, fabulous really, that bringing this out to professionals at last is unleashing a level of internal hurt that I never knew existed.\"
I think that happens to more people than we realize, some of us become experts at hiding our emotions to the extent that at some point they can
\"boil over\" into our here and now and force us to deal with them.
I commend you for your courage in finally beginning to let them out, in doing that perhaps the fear will start to lessen as you learn how to process whatever the root cause(s) were that got you to this level.
Baby steps for now, eventually the fear will lessen, you just can\'t rush some things.
Sending you hope and courage......
\"underlying minor stuff\" I find when I am bothered by stuff (a pain worry or fear) that is important but scary I let minor stuff overtake me. I have been playing this videogame on the phone. Its taking up tons of my time. My cupboards need to be cleaned out my laundry needs to be put away I have paperwork to do and its just easier to play the game. Its really because I am so paralyzed about what to do with the truck loan.
Perhaps this is sort of what you are going through as well.
I am so glad that you are having a good relationship with your psychotherapist. That is encouraging