This anniversary hurts more than the others....
It has now been four months since my husband died. It still does NOT feel real. I kept replaying what the police officer said to me, "He DID hang himself, he IS dead. I cut him down, tried to recessitate him." I just scratched my head saying "What what what what what????" Like the officer was speaking in another language to me. The whole world just stopped and I was so confused and I thought-"Let me see my husband so I can ask him if this is really true....
That first night, staying at my mother's house with my baby daughter-my sons were spending the night at their cousins house, totally unaware that their dad was dead. I had to fall asleep to some kind of noise. I had my laptop from work and I chose a movie to play...one of the only two my mom had. It was between "Two Weeks Notice"-a love story so no freaking way and "Despicable Me." I played that movie on a loop. Every time I woke up thinking this was all a bad dream- it wasn't. I prayed to God, " Please God, let me go back in time to yesterday. Please please please! I know you are all powerful and created this world, will you please let me go back in time to fix this..."
The first pang of emotional injury was when the police officers were trying to get into his cell phone and asked me to call it. The ring tone he had for me was the Wonder Woman theme song from the tv show. We both really liked superheroes. And my favorite is Wonder Woman. It reminded me of good times we had together, that we'd never have again. It also meant that I couldn't call him
"He didn't believe me!" I yelled over and over again as I drove to my mother's house..."He didn't believe that I loved him!" That day feels so far away and yet like it just happened yesterday...Its like someone took a chainsaw and cut me in half and have to function as only one half of a whole. I'm hurt, angry, sad, confused, and so lonely.
That first night, staying at my mother's house with my baby daughter-my sons were spending the night at their cousins house, totally unaware that their dad was dead. I had to fall asleep to some kind of noise. I had my laptop from work and I chose a movie to play...one of the only two my mom had. It was between "Two Weeks Notice"-a love story so no freaking way and "Despicable Me." I played that movie on a loop. Every time I woke up thinking this was all a bad dream- it wasn't. I prayed to God, " Please God, let me go back in time to yesterday. Please please please! I know you are all powerful and created this world, will you please let me go back in time to fix this..."
The first pang of emotional injury was when the police officers were trying to get into his cell phone and asked me to call it. The ring tone he had for me was the Wonder Woman theme song from the tv show. We both really liked superheroes. And my favorite is Wonder Woman. It reminded me of good times we had together, that we'd never have again. It also meant that I couldn't call him
"He didn't believe me!" I yelled over and over again as I drove to my mother's house..."He didn't believe that I loved him!" That day feels so far away and yet like it just happened yesterday...Its like someone took a chainsaw and cut me in half and have to function as only one half of a whole. I'm hurt, angry, sad, confused, and so lonely.
Replies
So sorry. I\'m approaching 11 months and there are times where it still doesn\'t seem real. I have to think of certain things, like the morning she died, for it to be real. And I too can recall just about every detail from that morning as if it just happened. They\'re different circumstances, and to me, yours seems more traumatic, but I imagne it will get better at some point for you. It has to! Hang in there. And I also had a ring tone moment. I had a Michael Jackson song for her ring tone. I hadn\'t heard it as a ring tone for months because she was in the hospital and unable to speak most of the time due to a trachea tube. Not long after she died that song came on the radio. I was in the other room and took a few steps towards the room where my phone was when it hit me that it wasn\'t her calling. And never would be again. It\'s not easy.
I hear every word, it echoes in my own experience. Screaming in the car, pounding the steering wheel, collapsing onto the floor and sobbing to the point where my jaw chattered; lots of medication after three days in a psychiatric ward where I put myself. The young police man who was in my home that day == I remember him listening to his radio, coming toward me with his left arm extended, saying \"I\'m so sorry, Jill\". And yes: WHAT WHAT WHAT?????
The death of a loved one, child, spouse, whoever...by suicide is one hundred times worse than by accident (which is horrible), or murder (which is even more horrible) or sickness. The first year, you deal with the horror and the panic, the fear (can be paralyzing), intense anxiety, the feeling of total abandonment (YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY HAVE LOVED ME), the feeling of responsibility, bargaining with God (who cannot make it \"go away\", not in the way you want Him to). This is normal.
You need a certified grief counselor. Your children are going to need tremendous support as they grow and come to understand how their father died. I lost my daughter, my only child, to mental illness. That is what suicide results from: no one who is mentally healthy takes his/her life deliberately and in a manner that she/he knows no one will be able to stop.
It\'s a long hard road, sister. You have to walk it. You have to learn how to walk it. God bless you.