Thinking hurts

I started to start feeling ok. I was at a point where the guilt was little, the flashbacks had lessened, my bond with my mom, sisters, and I started to strengthen, my oldest brother came home from basic training. But as I have learned there is no solid ground, it is constantly crumbling way untill it falls completely away. 

It started to slip way when my middle sister started drugs and left us. She was always the person I could talk to about how I was feeling and what was going on without being jugded. Her leaving was the time the memories of my bio father started to come back. I pushed them away trying so hard to be like every young lady my age. I felt better until alone and then the thoughts came back in my head. It wasn't long when my brother started drugs too not even caring that I was azmatic and could smell it everytime he walked in the room, he started drinking heavily. I tried to help finding him resources for help, but failed to get him help, I was trying to stop feeling guiltly, trying to make everything ok. Not telling anyone how I feel or anything about the memorizes, or the negitive voices I hear in my head telling me i'm worthless and can't do anything right, that I'm hurting everyone and just being a pain and in the way.

I feel like I have failed at so many things, that what happened to me was my fault, why else would a dad do that to his daughter. I have been seeing dads and their daughters laughing and I can't hep but be jelious that they have a dad that loves them when I have none. and never probably will. I have been thinking that no one sees how I haven't been eating or how close I have gotten to harming myself, the only reason I don't is cause I'm to tired and the fear of what would happen if someonne found out. Waiting for someone to see how close I am from drowning. It seems hard to belive that only 2 mounths ago all this was none existanct. I've been desperate to find someone who at least understands how it feels to have everyone you love hurt you. But have yet to findd someone and I've been giving up hope on finding one. I'm head is going a hundred miles per hour that can't even make sence in writing. All I know is this probably wont end well. But all I can do Is hold my head up inorder not to drown and wait for the struggle to end or until it brakes me.