Thinking about my pattern - and thinking about relationships

I caught a bit of a british documentary last night, in which Prince Harry was talking about Meghan and his family.

Whatever your opinions of the prince, one conclusion that Harry came to - was that HE CAN'T GET WHAT HE NEEDS FROM HIS FAMILY.

I don't have that problem in the fact that my family is very much on my side

- but I do have to admit that we're all struggling to make our individual

path for ourselves - Harry's insight seemed a part of that - and at times - as you guys know, I do not feel so strong in myself when I push forward or even

begin and consequently, I don't have, or build, momentum - and that is a key stumbling block for me -

I called my Dad a little while ago to talk about this - not really knowing yet - what I do know now - the context

I needed to give to myself and so I called him seeking his reflections -

(just as a tangent I have been noticing how parents come into conversation with so many

adults I talk to - who - though parents themselves now - their parents - still resonate in their psyches - the

power of relationships

they had with their parents and family is something that's all going around..)

But back onto the topic - My issue tonight - as commonplace for me to say -

I just need to inspire myself to keep on building my life -

seek commiseration with those my belly aching isn't triggering for -

I have followed through with some goals and not others -

for myself I come to a screeching halt sometimes when it's time for doing something independently - when I catch

a glimpse of the long lonely empty road ahead - full of commitment  - feeling so small myself that it feels untenable and I dissassociate. 

I have a lot of ideas and insights and frustrations - that I come onto here with -

I do somethings - but I am not so succesful at managing

forward with every goal - maybe I am not alone in that -

- but writing this tonight is giving myself the pump up and energy to

go ahead and do that for myself - -

- very often I need commiseration - to hear I'm not alone- and that is what it is - and that fact - perhaps because of my illness

and history - I think sets off alarm bells for my family - which I can understand - 

As I spoke to my Dad - his alarm bells were going off for sure - I was seeking context and he was saying

'BREAK THE CYCLE of inaction - my illness was holding me in place!'

He confided we all struggle forward in life - which gave me that heartening sense of being not alone - and then

also that phrase "BREAK THE CYCLE" really impacted me - I've started to think it's time to go on more hikes.

Also I am starting to plan even more.

Have a great night and a good week ahead!!