Thinking About Change
I've been thinking alot lately about changes that need to be made in my life. I don't think I'm ever going to get ahead of any of the shit dragging me down without money. I have a decent job but it isn't as good a job as I need. I could get better if I go back to college. I'm really thinking about doing it, even tho it will cost money, it will eventually lead to an internship and a high salary job. I have 2 degrees as it is but I have to have a higher level degree to do what I want, which is in the nutrition field.
If I play my cards right, it could get me away from living in this shit hole, with my mom, and I could be around educated people, which I miss. This area is so poor and isolated, and my mom treats my fiance and I like her property, like servants. I have so many legal matters to attend to that I can't afford. I need a lawyer or legal counsel. I need medical stuff done. I am covered up with work and responsibility at home.
Being on vacation was so nice. It's hard to come back home.
I used to think after I graduated college back in 2014, that I would get a job, then all I had to do was find a man and start a family, and everything else would work out. But that didn't happen because that's bullshit that doesn't exist anymore.
It's the same now as it was then; education is the only way out. I'm slowly forming a plan and getting used to the idea of change, even tho it terrifies me to trust in something I don't know the outcome of. Especially if I end up homeless on the street. Things have to change tho. Every day I am slowly dying and giving up one dream, one hope, one thing that makes me happy, after another. Every day.
I keep telling myself to be patient, that it's not too late. But I feel lost most of the time. My fiance is not a strong person, or a responsible person. I don't know that I can count on him to support me in what I want to do. But then again my ex was those things, but he seemed to think that if he helped me do anything then I owed it to him to let him brutalize and rape me. So maybe there isn't any sort of person in between. I would rather have a weak man that I can somewhat control than one that tries to kill me on a regular basis. It sucks that I always have to have help. I can't support myself alone because I'm tied down with my mom. I have to pay for so much shit. So then I date a man because I think he can get me out of here but he ends up living here using me too. Now I can't get rid of him but he has been talking about moving and looking for a better job. Idk what that would be but I hope he is sincere about what he says. If we could leave and better ourselves, maybe we could be happy.
Replies
In the wandering ways of her flight instinct, my mother was always attracted to tri-state areas where she could play 3 state lotteries every week. Among the many forget-worthy child tortures I can't get out of my head was driving with her to all three states while she prattled on-and-on about how winning the lottery and/or having *Their* money would solve all her problems. Over the course of trying to shut out those long-winded litanies, I grew ever more convinced that having money would only take her money problems to a more complex level while doing nothing whatsoever to solve her real problems beyond giving her a bigger closet to hide them in. God knows her old proverbial closets were getting too crowded to stay shut. I am still willing to bet dollars to wishes that bigger, fancier closets would have, too. I'll never know now. I often wonder if she found her bigger closets in Heaven. . . Maybe enough cash to buy her stairway to heaven?
Yea, even Jesus honored his debts in the coin of the realm, but those early torture rides wove with my later experience in life to convince me that money is but the wind beneath your wings. Blowing wind under wings that are not ready to fly is most likely to cripple the wings for life.
Or am I lost in metaphor again? Mostly looking for a way to say I hope you look beyond today's discomforts to work for the long-view prize. Nutrition is a dynamic career field. It goes everywhere you find hunger. Sometimes that hunger is even physical. . .
Go for it!!! Really!!! Here's a story for you: I have a friend, a guy, Howie, who's been talking about bettering himself and leaving his job also. He's been saying this for at least 10 years. Well now he's going to be 50 years old, and now it's going to be HARDER for him to get a job because he's getting older. He didn't take any classes or improved himself in those past 10 years. He's a Para teacher, he personally is assigned to a disabled kid in school to help him learn. It's not a stellar job; doesn't pay much. Now he's still talking of getting another job but soon it will be too late, if not already. Soooo....yes get moving---don't wait anymore. You've probably been at your job long enough now anyway, and it's time to move on. Remember: Change is going to happen whether you want it or not.
Follow your heart! You are the painter of your picture, you are the writer of your script. You can do anything you want to do.
Don't be afraid, go for it
Going back to school sounds like a great idea. It will only lead to good things for you. Good luck and I know you can do this!!