Thinking

My thinking is slipping. I wish I could sleep without the nightmares, I wake up feeling disoriented and ugly. My thoughts are mostly angry and painful, I feel constantly tormented by memories. I read a book on CBT and it made sense but my thoughts are so hard to control. At least my suicidal thoughts have eased up in the past day, maybe because I had the day off of work, those thoughts seem to be much worse when I am at work.
I hope I don't slip back into suicidal thoughts today. It would be nice to have a break from it. I'd welcome blah numbness at this point. But I know I am on the edge of suicidal thoughts, just wishing for a way out of this existence. It's like suicidal thoughts are my form of Hope. Eventually I'll be free of it all. It's so hard to watch others living lives they consider at least semi-enjoyable. They have no idea the torment I live in. When they casually ask how I am doing I say Fine, knowing the shock and horror it would produce if I told them the truth. It's like I live in a bubble and no one can see the real me. Mental illness is really scary.

Replies

Kook
Kook

dreams allow us to feel what we need to feel... and express intense emotions .....when we cant consciously do it. Its hard to look at thoughts when they have intense energy associated with them. Try to think of your dreams as being your true self working with ya. The more energy released the slower the thoughts go round and round. Eventually you can stop them one by one and will be able to look...analyze...and dismiss them as either false....or no longer rational.

Im proud of you my friend.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Have you tried hanging a dream catcher up by your bed? It has always seemed to help me. I don\'t know if there\'s something spiritual and metaphysical to it or if it\'s just the psychological impact on the subconscious mind of having something that is supposed to keep the bad dreams away.

Anyways, I hope that helps.
Heidiclark
Heidiclark

Hi again Heretic- I just replied to your note, but then I also read your most recent journal entry and I just want to say that I can so relate to what you said about suicidal thoughts being the only thing that gives you hope. Oh my dear I have been there and I just had to write you again when I read that in your journal. I used to have to promise myself on a daily basis that that day was the day when I would finally kill myself----otherwise the pain was too muchto bear. I\'m so grateful that I\'m not in that space any more, but I have to say that for me a lot of it about being on the right meds. Without meds. I am in so much agony that I literally beg God to let me die. (And that\'s a pretty big deal for me since you know from my last note that I don\'t talk to God any more). I\'m so glad that you can at least go to work. At least that\'s something. Actually I forgot to mention that I can pray for others and will gladly say some prayers for YOU. {{{{hugs}}}}}