Things to Uncover
Day 31 of 365 - Man Break
We talked a bit in counseling about the fact that I was adopted. My counselor wanted to know a little about it. I told him I was adopted at three months old and found my birth mother at the age of 27. We have met and still keep in contact. I like her. She seems like a nice woman.
He asked me if she gave reasons of why she gave me up for adoption. She said I was the result of a brief fling and she did not even know the last name of this man. I was mixed race and at that time in the 70s she thought it would cause a stir to be a single mother with a black baby. So she decided I would have a better life if she gave me up for adoption. Then my counselor asked something that no one has ever asked me before.
“And do you think you had a better life?” I had to fight back tears when I answered him “No. No I don’t”. And then he said “Do you feel like you were loved?” and I said “I know my parents loved me but, no, I did not feel loved?” More welling of tears.
He hit home. Even though logically I know my parents love me I never felt that as a child and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that apart from the love I receive from my children. I never felt accepted for who I was or for who I am. No wonder I feel unloveable and am on a quest to find someone who does love me to prove me wrong.
This is where I get stuck. This is what I do not know how to heal. I know what is wrong but how do I fix it?
We talked a bit in counseling about the fact that I was adopted. My counselor wanted to know a little about it. I told him I was adopted at three months old and found my birth mother at the age of 27. We have met and still keep in contact. I like her. She seems like a nice woman.
He asked me if she gave reasons of why she gave me up for adoption. She said I was the result of a brief fling and she did not even know the last name of this man. I was mixed race and at that time in the 70s she thought it would cause a stir to be a single mother with a black baby. So she decided I would have a better life if she gave me up for adoption. Then my counselor asked something that no one has ever asked me before.
“And do you think you had a better life?” I had to fight back tears when I answered him “No. No I don’t”. And then he said “Do you feel like you were loved?” and I said “I know my parents loved me but, no, I did not feel loved?” More welling of tears.
He hit home. Even though logically I know my parents love me I never felt that as a child and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that apart from the love I receive from my children. I never felt accepted for who I was or for who I am. No wonder I feel unloveable and am on a quest to find someone who does love me to prove me wrong.
This is where I get stuck. This is what I do not know how to heal. I know what is wrong but how do I fix it?
Replies
Hopefully Pageo will come up and comment on this JE because I feel she has such a better handle on this subject and has basically completely reparented herself.
I think there is nothing we can do about the past, but we can learn not to seek valdiation from others. Of course a child should expect to receive validations from their parent. That is the job of the parent ;) .... but since you did not, you now have to give that yourself.
I hope that made sense ;)
p.s. you are allowed to cry in therapy ;)
My experience has been that my therapist taught me how to heal. So, if you have a good therapist you have a guide. We are not alone when there are people who are entirely involved and focused on this process for and with others.
My therapist not only taught me how to be my own parent, he also did some major reparenting. He is much like a surrogate parent. I always felt care coming from him... a genuine care, not just me being a patient and job and a means to say... he knows how to do his job. Some people are real healers. The energy they work form is love energy.
Arat, the awareness you have now cultivated in the last session only means that you are going to be able to step in the right direction in terms of changing your conditions. I was unaware that you were adopted. I have a friend who was adopted, her and her sister.
Your experience tells me a lot more about my friend. Unfortunately for her, her and sister were severely abused by the adopting parents. It was never a legal thing... just finding the two little girls.
I think it is absolutely true when a person feels they didn\'t get what they needed. When we get what we need, the whole body knows it.
Peace to you and loving energies your way.