Things to Uncover
Day 31 of 365 - Man Break
We talked a bit in counseling about the fact that I was adopted. My counselor wanted to know a little about it. I told him I was adopted at three months old and found my birth mother at the age of 27. We have met and still keep in contact. I like her. She seems like a nice woman.
He asked me if she gave reasons of why she gave me up for adoption. She said I was the result of a brief fling and she did not even know the last name of this man. I was mixed race and at that time in the 70s she thought it would cause a stir to be a single mother with a black baby. So she decided I would have a better life if she gave me up for adoption. Then my counselor asked something that no one has ever asked me before.
“And do you think you had a better life?” I had to fight back tears when I answered him “No. No I don’t”. And then he said “Do you feel like you were loved?” and I said “I know my parents loved me but, no, I did not feel loved?” More welling of tears.
He hit home. Even though logically I know my parents love me I never felt that as a child and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that apart from the love I receive from my children. I never felt accepted for who I was or for who I am. No wonder I feel unloveable and am on a quest to find someone who does love me to prove me wrong.
This is where I get stuck. This is what I do not know how to heal. I know what is wrong but how do I fix it?
We talked a bit in counseling about the fact that I was adopted. My counselor wanted to know a little about it. I told him I was adopted at three months old and found my birth mother at the age of 27. We have met and still keep in contact. I like her. She seems like a nice woman.
He asked me if she gave reasons of why she gave me up for adoption. She said I was the result of a brief fling and she did not even know the last name of this man. I was mixed race and at that time in the 70s she thought it would cause a stir to be a single mother with a black baby. So she decided I would have a better life if she gave me up for adoption. Then my counselor asked something that no one has ever asked me before.
“And do you think you had a better life?” I had to fight back tears when I answered him “No. No I don’t”. And then he said “Do you feel like you were loved?” and I said “I know my parents loved me but, no, I did not feel loved?” More welling of tears.
He hit home. Even though logically I know my parents love me I never felt that as a child and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that apart from the love I receive from my children. I never felt accepted for who I was or for who I am. No wonder I feel unloveable and am on a quest to find someone who does love me to prove me wrong.
This is where I get stuck. This is what I do not know how to heal. I know what is wrong but how do I fix it?
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